Today, my boyfriend’s mom decided she wanted to see the crib I have for my daughter. She’s almost a year old and she had never bothered to look at it before. She picked today. The same day my boyfriend picked to accidentally leave our ‘toys’ on top of the dresser. His mom saw them.

Bubba sez, “now thair’s a real American famly fur ye.” I mean, whoever seen such a long link? Girl needs to go back to school. But for God’s sake, girl, find a different one this time! Duh-h.”

Does that leave a perfect opening for the next pitiful piece or what?

“The push to return unemployed workers to the nation’s payrolls is hamstrung by a decades-old legacy of poor schooling that has left tens of millions of Americans without the basic reading or math skills necessary for today’s jobs.”(1)

Now hang on! You mean there’s still people out there who still don’t agree with Al Gore? He with the Nobel? Le’me yell out the window here. He lives right over there in Belle Meade, the second-biggest GOP campaign contributing Zip in America. HEY, AL! WAKE UP. THEY’RE DOWN THERE IN CANCUN MESSIN’ WITH YOUR STUFF AGAIN. Look at this:

As prospects for a binding global climate treaty this year have evaporated, leaders and environmental advocates have focused their efforts on reaching agreement on a few top priorities, including preserving tropical forests and helping developing countries cope with climate change.(2)

Gloriosky, people! They’re thinkin’ DaddyO might spend only 1.3 Trillion more of our money than he takes this year. Shucks. We can handle ‘at paltry sum standin’ on our heads. Look:

“The federal deficit is running significantly lower than it did last year, with the budget gap for the first half of fiscal 2010 down 8 percent over the same period a year ago, senior Obama administration officials said Monday.

“The officials attributed the results to higher tax revenue and to lower spending than projected on bailing out the financial system. If the trend continues for the rest of the year, it would mean the annual deficit would be $1.3 trillion — about $300 billion less than the administration’s projection two months ago for 2010.”(3)

Oh, it’s higher taxes. And spending less than what? Why less than we said we would, of course. We could never really spend less. Thank God for bad estimates. And as long as there are people out there dumb enough to keep rolling over the mortgage on our kids, let’s keep on livin’ high on the hog, people! There’s magic out there that’ll take care of us. Duh-h

Before we go, we have to reassure all kids everywhere that it’s now OK to play with priests again. It’s been widely reported that the big guy at the Vatican has given permission for his people everywhere to call police if your priest tries any funny stuff. There now. Doesn’t that make you feel better?

It’s time for Siggy again: Sigmund FREUD: “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” Psychoanalysis (1910)

(1)via Jobless dropouts head back to school for basic skills.

(2)via Climate treaty realities push leaders to trim priority lists.

(3)via Obama team points to smaller deficit numbers.

–Signed, Karzi.

And you thought we made that up? Couldn’t have. Peruse this:

WASHINGTON — After more than a year of watching America’s ability to influence President Hamid Karzai ebb, Obama administration officials now admit privately that the tough-love approach Mr. Obama adopted when he came to power may have been a big mistake. (1)

And speeching of tough love…

The NYT continues its holocaust-style criticism of the Pope. That RAG! Giving Pop a hard time for coddling child-abusing priests. That’s crude, really. I mean you take this loving priest who was convicted of tying up and abusing two young boys in a California church rectory. He didn’t mean nothing by it. And he wanted to resign and you wouldn’t let him. That’s real tough love, a real good example. Good for you, Pop. Bad old Times!

Enough of this love stuff! Back to the blood ‘n gore!

Oh, Joy! Another fight! Down with this love stuff, and git on with the blood lettin’! John Paul is definitely leaving El Courto Supremo this Summer. Bubba says he’s gonna upgrade his Tivo to the new gonzo digital version, get a bigger widescreen and get ready for the brawl. It starts now, with DaddyO primed to stick in one of his liberalist friends, and stack up the votes in his Senate to back’im! Bubba says this is gonna be a sight.

And finally, with apologies to those who love the junk stuff normally in the news, we stop the nonsense to give our condolences to all who love the miners who were lost in the West Virginia mine disaster.  We understand the last four were brought out early this morning. They didn’t make it. Sad. And some are insensitive enough to blame the miners and their families for their “bad choices” of even living where they do. Sad.

Then there’s the mother in Shelbyville, Tennessee, who adopted a Russian child, became desperate when she couldn’t handle his violent nature and sent him back to Russia. She too must be grieving and soaked with guilt. She must be going through hell, while the press gloats over it as an international incident and a bad-mom moment. Sad.

(1) via U.S. Tries Softer Approach to Afghan Leader – NYTimes.com.

Once in a while, we get a break from the Washington Madness, and get caught up in something like March Madness. Last night was such a night. And two teams played magnificently right down to the last second.

INDIANAPOLIS — The ball is in the air. And because the ball is in the air, anything is possible. Miracle? Heartbreak? Pandemonium? Silence? Yes. Anything. That’s the beauty of a magical game like this, and also the pain. The basketball is in the air. If it misses, Duke wins one of the greatest championship games ever. And if it goes in and it looks like it is going in, Butler wins the greatest game that has ever been played. (1)

But Washington Madness is too fat to ignore for long. As in “A year-long effort by the Securities and Exchange Commission to overhaul its enforcement of laws against corporate crime has run into courtroom setbacks and internal skepticism, underlining how difficult it is for the agency to remake itself as a get-tough cop.”(WP)

And then, from the NYT, “The panel established by Congress to investigate the causes of the financial crisis has been hobbled by delays and internal disagreements and a lack of focus, according to interviews with a majority of its members and government officials briefed on its work.” (2)

Duh-h. And DaddyO wants the gummit to run MORE? He and the rest of the gang are going to outsmart Wall Street’s brightest by doing financial reform? Starting with the Senate Agriculture Committee outsmarting the Street gang who do derivatives? But first, Daddy, take 17-minutes and explain it all to us, like you explained health care in Charlotte the other day.

Now to a different madness: Starring a smaller ball and a Tiger.

A new game: Tiger Woods PGA Tour Online is being released Tuesday by Electronic Arts, in time for Woods’s return to the Masters.

“The first time I met Tiger Woods, in 2005, I was shocked to find myself talking to a real person.

Standing in a deserted Sheep Meadow in Central Park, he waved off his handful of P.R. people, and we spent about 15 minutes just talking about video games. Personable, gregarious and altogether down to earth, he lighted up as he told me how much he enjoyed the Socom special forces games because his father had been a soldier.” (3)

Can somebody assure us that we’ll get around to seeing the Masters as an actual golf game sometime this week? Duh-h

And the child-molesting priests just keep on being hidden deeper in Pop’s system. Again, strike the un from unbelievable. “A Catholic priest who has been criminally charged with sexually assaulting a 14-year-old girl in Minnesota six years ago is still working in his home diocese in India despite warnings to the Vatican from an American bishop that the priest continued to pose a risk to children, according to church documents made public on Monday.” (4)

But don’t get excited, Pop. These Indian kids aren’t smart enough to know whether the priest is molesting or just administering communion wine.

Look out Toyota. Daddy-O is about to smite you! It says here in the WP that federal regulators are seeking to fine Toyota $16.4 million for waiting four months or more before notifying safety officials about vehicles with a “sticky pedal” defect. Wow! A 16.4 mil chunk out of your billions. That’ll teach you to go around killing people.

And here’s DaddyO gettin’ tough again… A year after his groundbreaking pledge to move toward a “world without nuclear weapons,” President Obama on Tuesday will unveil a policy that constrains the weapons’ role but appears more cautious than what many supporters had hoped, with the president opting for a middle course in many key areas. (WP) But SURELY he’ll still be just as tough on Iran. We CAN count on that, can’t we?

Then we’re told President Obama will sit down Tuesday with about 20 black religious leaders, including representatives of the major African American denominations, in the second White House meeting in three months to discuss the needs of the black community. (WP)

Religious leaders? After all this flak on Bush and Faith-Based initiatives? Oh, you say Democrats and Black Churches just go together? And we can cmpaign there all we want to, but Republicans can’t campaign in White Churches? Duh-h. Understood. Perfectly. It’s always been that way. And we certainly aren’t going to CHANGE anything, are we?

And how do we know that? The same way we know this: The Washington Nationals will win 74 games this year. The Democrats will lose five Senate seats in November. The high today will be 86 degrees, but it will feel like 84. (By David A. Fahrenthold, The Washington Post) David! You sure your name isn’t really Fahrenheit?

And dat’s all, folks. All DuhNooz that’s not fit to print.

(1) via Plucky Duke earns greatness by outlasting Butler in magical bout – Joe Posnanski – SI.com.

(2) via A Congressional Panel, Hobbled in Its Financial Inquiry – NYTimes.com.

(3) via Video Game Review – Tiger Woods PGA Tour Online – Tiger Woods, at the Virtual Tee First – NYTimes.com.

(4) via Priest Charged in U.S. Is Still Serving in India – NYTimes.com.

From The Washington Post: “On the most solemn day in the Roman Catholic calendar, a senior Vatican priest ignited a fresh chapter Friday in the debate over the priest abuse scandal by comparing criticism of the Church and Pope Benedict XVI to the historic persecution and ‘collective violence’ against Jews.” (1)

So the biggest religious gang in the world is having one of its major-leagers compare itself to one of the smallest. Jews are complaining. Wait, people. It’s OK. we’ve been assured that this guy speaks for himself, not the church. Even though he is preacher to the Pontiff, who was in the audience. Duh-h

We’re told the economy is adding jobs at a modest clip. Some 190,000 or so last month, compared to 4 million or so LOST in the past year. So that’s not nearly fast enough to bring down an unemployment rate still hanging around 10 percent.

But worry not, flock. Your president, who unlike the Pope, was not present when a certain preacher he knew made certain obnoxious comments is preaching about the problem. And we know that’s all it takes. Besides, he says (again) “we’re turning the corner.”

Governors threatened? Wow! More than 30 governors have received letters from an anti-government group demanding that they resign within three days or face removal from office.

The letters from the group, Guardians of the Free Republics, do not threaten violence, according to officials. And we’re all very fortunate, because the WP tells us that no arrests have been made in response to these citizens petitioning their government. Duh-h

But wait! Hang on, people, for breaking news from the FBI. The FBI is warning police across the country that an anti-government group’s call to remove governors from office could provoke violence.

So there. Beware. Speakest thou softly when it’s about thy gods, lest thou provokest much awesome anger.

Hah… now here’s what we’ve all been waiting for: Daddy-O has explained the new cure for our health he’s so graciously giving us. In what he called point three of a 17-minute answer to a subject’s question he let it all hang out. “Point number three is that the way insurance companies have been operating, even if you’ve got health insurance, you don’t always know what you got.”

Remember, people. You now know what you got. Just keep remembering. And remembering. And remembering… Close your eyes, repeat for 17-minutes and it’ll all become clear. (2)

But hark. Here’s the REALLY important stuff. It’s iPad day. Apple’s curious new people-companion that’s been called too big to carry, therefore not too big to fail, is finally here. And, just in time, we’ve figured out its main reason for being: with a case to carry it in, men will finally have a reason to carry a purse. One that they can finally explain without having to grumble, “NO, it’s not a purse and no, I’M NOT GAY!”

(2) Obama’s 17-minute Answer

(1) via Vatican priest likens criticism of church on abuse to anti-Semitism – washingtonpost.com.

VATICAN CITY — A top Vatican official issued a detailed defense of Pope Benedict XVI’s handling of sexual abuse cases and extensively criticized The New York Times’s coverage, both in its news and editorial pages, as unfair to the pope and the church.(1)

We’re talking priests, who are child sex abusers. Priests, who prey on the children they’re supposed to be protecting. He’s the boss, for God’s sake. It’s a church, for crying out loud. They call it the church. And they’re blaming the little people in the heirarchy, not the one person who could clean up the whole mess. Obviously the buck doesn’t stop here, it gets passed. It’s the blame somebody else game.

Germans are leaving the church in droves. And since there’s a church tax for people who are attached to a  church, they are quick to report their leaving.

We gotta take a break here. Go to something else.

How about an explanation of politics. Here’s a good one:

Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need. More… Politics Explained

(1) via Vatican Official Defends Pope’s Handling of Case – NYTimes.com.

MUNICH — The future Pope Benedict XVI was kept more closely apprised of a sexual abuse case in Germany than previous church statements have suggested, raising fresh questions about his handling of a scandal unfolding under his direct supervision before he rose to the top of the church’s hierarchy.

…Like we didn’t already know the Catholic Church is a refuge for Sex Offenders who love to get it on with little boys.

PHILADELPHIA —So-called flash mobs have taken a more aggressive and raucous turn here as hundreds of teenagers have been converging downtown for a ritual that is part bullying, part running of the bulls: sprinting down the block, the teenagers sometimes pause to brawl with one another, assault pedestrians or vandalize property.

…Just mama’s good little boys having fun.

ROME — Even as Pope Benedict XVI, faced with a sexual abuse scandal spreading across Europe, has called on victims to come forward and urged clerics to cooperate with civil justice, those strong words are running up against the complexities of his past.

…Are we repeating ourselves, or is somebody else doing it?

SAN FRANCISCO —On Wednesday, the California secretary of state certified a November vote on a ballot measure that would legalize, tax and regulate marijuana, a plan that advocates say could raise $1.4 billion and save precious law enforcement and prison resources.

…Funny, we thought it was already legal in California. They just call it medicine.

THE LAND OF JOBS –Advertisers initially approached new media as if they were going duck hunting, tiptoeing cautiously into the waters of mobile phones and the Internet. With the iPad, it’s big-game season. Getting ready for the April 3 iPad introduction, FedEx has bought advertising space on the iPad applications from Reuters, The Wall Street Journal and Newsweek. Chase Sapphire, a credit card for the high-end market, has bought out The New York Times’s iPad advertising units for 60 days after the introduction.

…Don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for my life to be interrupted by more ads!

Have a good day.

NY Times … Nuns Aye, Priests Nay on health care bill. But was a vote held before the leaders of each gang announced their positions?

CNN… “Pat Robertson, the evangelical Christian who once suggested God was punishing Americans with Hurricane Katrina, says a “pact to the devil” brought on the devastating earthquake in Haiti.”

C.S. Lewis, noted 20th-Century atheist turned Christian apologist, noted for authoring The Chronicles of Narnia… “Of all bad men, religious bad men are the worst.”

Norman Daniels… Why does it seem that the very people who say they’re championing God often say and do things that accomplish just the opposite? Nobody gives the new atheist evangelists more fodder. It’s like Walmart running ads for Kmart. Or worse, Walmart running ads that say don’t shop at Walmart.

Of course, using the foibles of men as proof that God doesn’t exist is just as dumb. If you want to fight that uphill battle, pick some other reasons. The only proof bad men or super-religious phonies offer is that God doesn’t make robots of us all.

But we could certainly see God crying and wringing hands over what they say is his most prized creation. Often.