A Republican in Harlem? Runnin aginst Charlie the Wrangler? Have we seen it all? Charlie Rangel, who everbody in Harlem trusts has a Republican runnin aginst him fer his House seat? C’mon! All he did wuz take a little graft like free corporate jet flights t’ the Carribbean. Can we roll up our towels an git off the beach now?

If we had any doubts about the New York Times bein’ a responsible news outfit, we can all relax an believe agin. ‘Ey might go anead an report sumpm the U.S. military wants’em t’hold up on, bu’tey shore wouldn’ double cross at web site Wikileaks at gives away military secrets. Here’s the way it went on a major revelation about the Afghan war, accordin t’the Times:

“The New York Times, the British newspaper The Guardian and the German magazine Der Spiegel were given access to the voluminous records several weeks ago on the condition that they not report on the material before Sunday.”

‘Til Sunday? Ain’tat the big day fer the Times? Ahhh, but don’tchy feel better now tha’tchy know yore Times kin really keep a secret? It jist depends on who asks. An a reliable gang like one at makes its livin’ by revealin’ military secrets during war time shore qualifies as trustworthy!

Congrats to the Boy Scouts on 100 years uv workin’ with youth. But wait. Should we be sayin’ such a thang? Did’n ‘ey mess up on gay rights when ‘ey said ‘ey didn’ want no gay guys bein’ scout masters? Imagine the nerve’a  anybody want’in to keep gay dudes away frum the chicken! An’ at ban probly ebm included the cream uv gay priests! Duhh!

The really important stuff:

Why is it taking so long to make a white iPhone? An how ’bout the new face jobs? How do you know somebody’s available to talk on FaceTime? Why, at’s simple. you git a FacePlant.

I’m waitin’ fer the LoseFace app. Maybe we’ll start some awards when at’n comes out.

But wait! Thairs more! The problems w’that new iPhone might be over. Apple is holdin’ a news conference t’day t’tell us all about it. Now thair’s the biggie we all been waitin fer. But dontchy jist hope air’s a little wiggle room left? Thair’s still comfort in at main feature uv bein’ able t’ have a great excuse not t’take a call y’don’t wont. “Sorry, it jist dropped out. Got a iPhone, y’know.”

But courage, people. AT&T will probly still give everbody lotsa dropouts. An’ it looks like the big T is gonna be aroun fer a while. At contract t’ provide dropouts fer the iPhone goes on ’til sometime in 2012. Says so in a bunch’a papers some lawyers dug up cause ‘ey’re suin’ Apple. So all you dreamers whut’s been thankin you wuz gon’ git a sleek new I with Verizon can go on ’boutchy bidness with at dull ole Blackberry.

But wait agin. Did somebody say at cap on the Gulf gusher might hafta be taken off? An why’s at? So BP can git the oil flowin’ agin? Bu’tiss time capture it an’ sell it. WELL, at’s purfeckly understandable. ‘Ey went ta all at trubble an expense t’ dig it, ‘ey oughtta be able t’enjoy it. An make some’a that money back at they’re payin out t’the Gulf people at lost everthang. After all, ‘ey only took in 291 billion last year. Shorely y’all don’t thank at’s a lot. Everbody’s faverit neighborhood store, Walmart, took in over 400 billion. Now at’s a right smart fer a little store frum a backward state like Arkansas.

Now, fore we go, we gotta tell ye the Vatican is gittin’ tough with priests at sexually abuse little boys. Ey’ve put it right up air with makin’ priests outta women. Now at shows real guts, dontchy thank? At’ll shore be enough t’make a gay priest shiver ever time he sees a little boy sashayin’ down the aisle.

Like at ole boy Siggy said jist before he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

You thank we’d ebm be talkin’ bout a man who jist showed up an’ had a nice meetin’ with his team once in a while? Jist talked about how nice ‘ey’d all been? An’ does anybody thank the Yankees woulda beat s’many teams so many times if he’d a’done at? Shorely thair ain’t nobody at’s gonna admit thankin’ at the Yankees’d won more games if George had been a nicer guy.

Fighters win? How bout them congress people a’ours? ‘Ey’re spose to protect us by fightin’ off ‘em big bad financial dudes ‘ey blame fer the big money stumble we had. An did ‘ey do anythang t’the banks big enough t’fight? Shorely you wouldn thank at. Only one ‘ey shut down wuz the one at regulates the S&L bizness. At’s cause all the biggies ‘ey regulated wuzn’t too big t’fail an ‘ey did. Like Washinton Mutual an’ at gang’a mortgage benders at called ‘eyselves Countrywide. See? Only the one’s at’s still got the biggest fighters called lobbyiests win. Like Fannie Mae an Freddie Mac.

At fight picker Consumer reports says it cain’t recommend the new iPhone cause it drops calls. At’s new? Didn it always? Ain’t it always been the perfect excuse fer avoidin anoyin calls? Jist say y’got a iPhone an everbody knows y’didn’ hang up. Y’phone did it. Jobs says jist hold it differnt if y’really don’t like t’have y’calls dropped. Or go out an buy ye a wrapper. Y’know whuts’ wrong with it, so jist handle it an quit whimperin’ say’s y’tech daddy Steve Jobs.

An ye don’t wanna annoy Jobs. He’s got the keys t’yore life in his hands. Jist been named top tech CEO by Fortune Magazine. Ain’tay good. How’d ‘ey figger at out? But now that we know, it’s time t’quit this nonsense fer another day.

After all, it’s like at ole boy Siggy said when he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)