Don’t matter whut the temp is in Peoria or Mayberry. Whutever it is in Yankeeville is whut we all git. ‘Ey got a hunderd degrees? Lettum try Phoenix sometime. How ’bout 120? Yeh, I know. It’s dry heat. An Nyew York is really whur everthang at matters really matters. ‘Cept Washinton a’course. ‘Ey got a few people makin’ up DuhNooz air too. Duh-h.

Disney stole “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” Could at be? Really? Well, maybe didn’t steal it, but jist didn’t pay fer it. A lotta times stealin’ ain’t stealin’ if y’had a contract t’pay an jist didn’ pay. Anybody oughta be able t’see that. ‘Cept a jury didn’t. ‘Ey say Disney has t’pay the Brit cumpny at invented the show $269.4 million in damages. Kinda dirties up Snow White don’t it?

DaddyO is havin’ a contest to git suggestions on how t’save money in the fedral gummint. He’s askin’ employees t’submit ideas on whut t’do t’cut expenses. I got one fer’em. Some’a them boys oughtta step up an’ say “FIRE ME,” an the one at’s makin’ the most gits the prize, which is a meetin’ with Obama. Thair they can talk about who else t’fire. Bet everbody’s holdin’ey’re breath on at one. Duh-h

Did Obama step in it? They’s a big deal bein’ made out uv a pitcher a’ him on the beach close t’some oil. Looks like he’s jist lookin’ at it. Like’is thankin’ bout it, maybe bout t’come up with a new speech t’preach at it. Next we find out that the pitcher has been photoshopped. Whut? Y’mean a pitcher ain’t worth a thousand words no more? Pitchers do lie after all?

Well, here’s a idear. Long as they’re photoshoppin ‘ey oughtta cut out the white dress shirt an long black pants, with him down air on the beach an’ all. Naw, silly. I ain’t gonna say make’im stand air in’is underwear. But put’im in some jeans an’ a work shirt f’heavens sake. Ain’tchu people heard yet? His poll ratin’s have dropped like a lead balloon. Only 38% uv people say they like him now. He needs t’look like he’s helpin out with more than thankin’ an speechin. An ‘ey gott’im standin air on the beach in a white shirt? Duh-h

Like at ole philosopher David Hume said way back air fore we ebm knowed about turnin’ our fantasies inta movin pitchers, much less TV shows: “It is never possible to deduce judgements of value from matters of fact” –Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding (1751)