Startin w’that new iPhone. If yo’re like a lotta people, ye might be feelin’ left out that yore new iGadget won’t do at drop-out trick y’been hearin’ about. Like how y’gonna splain t’the wife why ydidn’ git’er call, if ye cain’t show her how it don’t work? An besides, y’feel left out if yores don’t do all the tricks everbody elses does.

Well! My friend Junior has told me the answer t’the whole mystry. Here’s how t’git yore new jewel t’duplicate the problem uv cuttin’ out like ‘em other fokes have been talkin’ about. He larned it at a militia meetin. An we all know y’can depend on yore local militia t’do the right thang.

The solution? Sweaty palms. You got it. Sweaty palms. Now shorely you had them a time er two when tryin’ t’splain sumpm tricky t’ye wife. Jis duplicate that an’ y’got the iPhone’s handiest problem duplicated.

Now ye’ jist gotta figger out how t’git the neighbor’s iPhone t’do the same thang. Talkin’ bout them Russian spies at live ri’tare under y’nose. Don’t look s’prised now. Ever body’s got one’a them, don’tchy know. Well Junior tells me it’s on page 22 uv his militia book. But like everthang in at book, it’s a secret so he ain’t tellin. In fact, ever one’a them books is wrote in a differnt secret code, so y’hafta have a special decoder ring made in China jis f’yores. At means y’need t’join up, if y’wonnna know all the latest secret stuff.

An’ of course, at brangs on the solution t’the next secret rumor. Y’probly heard the Chinese wuz gonna open a new news channel. Well didjy hear that the main studio is gonna be in New York City, ri’tair in Times Square? Times Square? Dang, y’might say. Well go ahead an say it. Cause ey’re gonna be ri’tair on the busiest square in America. Ever American can go thair an see how them Chinamen can deliver th’ news jist as fair an balanced as ‘ey do at Fox.

Course ‘ey probly ain’t gon be nuthin like Fox. More like CNN I’d guess frum ey’re name. Ey’re callin it CNC World. Now ain’t CNC a lot more like CNN than FOX? An’ it sounds like ey’re gonna be a lot more worldly with “World” tacked on t’their name. Kinda like Ted Turner use t’have a hissy when any’a his CNN fokes talked like ‘ey wuz speakin t’America. “We’re International! an’ say at like y’mean it,” he’d say.

An a’course we all know at FOX is very American. ‘Ey ebm show American flags an stuff.

Well now that y’got the most important news comin’ up to the 4th a July holidays, I wish y’a goodun. Me, I’m gonna take a few days off an go back home t’Mayberry. Bet’tair’ll be a good celebration air. An’ we won’t see no Russian Spies. ‘Less ‘ey wont a good dose a’whut America’s really like.

“It was October of 2004, the heat of the presidential campaign, when (Jon) Stewart showed up on “Crossfire,” long CNN’s flagship political program, and delivered a now-legendary tirade.

“Stop, stop, stop, stop hurting America,” he told the hosts, Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson. He called them “political hacks.” He accused them of “helping the politicians and the corporations.” He compared their show to a professional wrestling match. “You’re doing theater,” he said, “when you should be doing debate.” (1)

Duh-h. Like it’s changed? They say it has, but who would know?

The Obamas enjoying Easter services at a small Washington AME church? “As Obama worshipped with 700 others for two hours, the parishioners and preachers made him a focal point of the service. His mere presence was historic, they said. In Ward 8, the District’s poorest, Obama’s arrival was at once regarded as a reminder of the neighborhood’s problems — the unemployment rate is 28.5 percent — and a reason to maintain hope. (WP)

Duh-h! The celeb of celebs shows up and who gets worshiped?

And the guy the Obama gang is propping up in Afghanistan is worshiping China and flirting with the Taliban?

“Many fear the relationship is only likely to become worse, as Mr. Karzai draws closer to allies like Iran and China, whose interests are often at odds with those of the West, and sounds sympathetic enough to the Taliban that he could spur their efforts, helping their recruitment and further destabilizing the country.”

It goes on: ““The political situation is continuing to deteriorate; Karzai is flailing around,” said a Western diplomat in Kabul with long experience in the region. “At the moment we are propping up an unstable political structure, and I haven’t seen any remotely plausible plan for building consensus.” (WP)

Wait. Isn’t this Obama’s war? And wasn’t he going to do it without making all the mistakes Bush did? Duh-h!

Give us a break! And here it is:

Most mammals laugh, scientists have found. Apes laugh, and dogs. Even uncute animals, such as rats. In fact, scientists have found, rats love laughing. And why shouldn’t they? “It’s joy, it’s positive engagement with life,” says Bowling Green University professor Jaak Panksepp, whose job it is to tickle them.

A university professor whose job it is to tickle rats? Need we even say the D word?

(1) Op-Ed Columnist – Can CNN Be Saved? – NYTimes.com.