Tribal warfare looms over push for cig tax (NY Post) …Duhh! White man tryin’ t’put down the Indians again. New York trying to collect cigarette tax from a sovereign nation? Pardon them while they circle the state capitol an fling a few arrows. Jist proves gummint’ll do anythang t’feed its hunger f’other fokes money.

Michael Brown, the former FEMA director, took his Denver radio show to New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of the storm that made him famous. (NYT) Same Brownie at Bush said wuz doin’ a good job cleanin’ up after Katrina? Same one. Still tryin’ t’do a good job at sumpm? Duhh! Like ‘ey say, criminals always return t’the scene uv the crime.

Ken Mehlman, who ran President George W. Bush’s re-election campaign in 2004 and then became the party’s chairman, said in an interview in The Atlantic this week that he is gay and is working to support a campaign for same-sex marriage. (NYT) Look out, Junior! If ey’re takin’ over the Republicans, next thang ye know, ‘ey’ll be takin’ over yore militia supply store!

Paul Krugman, the Nobel-winning NYT columnist at likes t’preach about the economy says, “After its last monetary policy meeting, the Fed released a statement declaring that it ‘anticipates a gradual return to higher levels of resource utilization’ — Fedspeak for falling unemployment. Nothing in the data supports that kind of optimism. Meanwhile, Tim Geithner, the Treasury secretary, says that ‘we’re on the road to recovery.’ No, we aren’t. ”

Duhh! When ebm ‘ey’re buddys at the NYT are callin’ thair hands, y’thank maybe it’s time t’stop the fairy tales? We all know at’s how Obama got thair, but one’a these days y’d thank somebody uppair’d learn at only people believe fairy tales. Economies do thair own thang unless somebody acshully does sumpm. Or stops doin’ sumpm stupid. Duhh.

Like at ole boy Thomas Paine said back air in 1792, when fathers wuz first bein promoted t’forefathers, “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil” –The Rights of Man (1792)

Don’tat sound about like Lehman Brothers ‘an at big insurance cumpny AIG back when ‘ey wuz throwin’ around funny money? An’ whut happmd t’them? Did’n ey go broke?

Charlie Rangel ain’t goin’ away! Don’tchy know theys a lotta fokes in Congress at wishes he would? Bu’tat ole dude is stickin’ like glue. An why not? He’s been stickin’ aroun drainin the system better’n most cogressmen – an at’s sayin’ a bunch – an livin high on the hog. He’s had power an strutted aroun’ fer the news media fer a long time. Why should he go away? Ain’t much difference in him and the rest a’that Washinton gang. So why him?

Like Uncle Charlie (differnt Charlie of course) back home. He wuz a bootlegger at controlled all the fedrally legal but county illegal whiskey in Surry County. He wuz a staunch democrat. Voted democrat ever chance he got, an give away some pints here an thair t’git other fokes t’vote his way.

I asked Uncle Charlie one time if he’d vote fer a democrat at he knowed wuz bein’ dishonest. “Whut?” he said. “E’re all dishonest. Jist depends on which ones are workin’ my way.” ‘Course uncle Charlie paid’em off t’keep’em frum raidin’ his whiskey barn whur he stored all at stuff. ‘Ey wuz workin his way an ‘ey wuz democrats. At’s all at mattered t’Uncle Charlie. He wuz a simple man, he’d say. Is at much different than whut goes on in politics today?

I mean some uv’em throw 20 million or so uv thair own money at a Senate primary race, an’ ‘ey’re doin’ it jist so ‘ey can humbly serve the people? Duhh! My mama didn’ raise no dummies at’d blieve a thang like at!

An finely, ain’tair sumpm wrong with the followin’ pitcher? Jet Blue flight attendant quits ‘is job an beomes a national hero fer the way he says he ain’t takin’ it no more an’ gits right upair with Johnny Paycheck an “Take This Job and Shove It.” An whut happms? He gits arrested?!

Now whurs the reasonin’ in at. Ain’tair no justice anywhur any more? ‘Ey say it was reckless endangerment. To who? Hisself? Seems like the crazy lady at hit him with a bag an’ then told him t’F off oughtta be arrested if anybody.

Like at ole boy Siggy said when he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

Seemed like bidness? The NYT says about the soirees Hewlitt Packard CEO Mark Hurd had with his so called consultant, “The events were billed as C.E.O. executive summit meetings, exclusive gatherings, often lasting several days, where Hewlett-Packard officials wooed top customers.

“When Mark V. Hurd, H.P.’s chief, appeared at them, he sometimes relied on Jodie Fisher, a 50-year-old former reality television contestant turned H.P. marketing consultant, who would introduce him to customers and keep him company.”

Right. Jist jettin’ around schmoozin’ customers a nice lady has rounded up. An a’course ye need t’take the lady who set it all up fer ye. Ain’t nuthin wrong with at, right? I hate t’say it this way, but Hurd got hurt. Bad. So did the stockholders uv the cumpny he worked for. The stock dropped 10% in one day, he got fired.

Jist another case of the strong urge of sex mixed with what’s spose t’be bidness backfirin. Ain’tat fun? Shore seemed like it at the time I betchy.

General counsel Mark Holston said Hurd “demonstrated a profound lack of judgment.” Duhh!

An’ Tiger Woods jist had the worst score uv his pro golf career? More fallout frum his runnin’ around on his wife? Might ask if at’s really poopin’ whur y’eat. Well, whur a celeb eats is whur he gits surrounded by groupies after the official work day is over. An’ thanks the groupies love him fer hisself. Duhh. Who’s lovin’ Tiger now?

Funny how friends scramble when y’git caught usin’ y’sex tool fer brains.

Like at ole boy Siggy said jist before he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

An, speakin uv the law, a body cain’t hep but be drawn to this headline: Outsourcing to India Draws Western Lawyers. Thair ye go. It ain’t enough at we gotta put up with customer disservice fokes we cain’t understand, now lawyers are bein’ outsourced t’India.

Now, I gotta wonder if at case I jist won wuz done by one a’them outsourced lawyers. Or maybe a gang uv’em.

Thair I wuz, opnin’ a envelope at obviously had a check in it. I could jist feel the extry spit formin a drool. How much could it be? It wuz from one a’them big lawyer gangs at specializes in class-action lawsuits. An since I git a lotta invitations t’join in on’em, I figgered one had jist come through. At maybe I’d won the lottery.

The big fat check was fer how much? $13.42… Thirteen Dollars and Forty Two Cents? Ye gotta be kiddin. At’s a insult! But the insult gits deeper. At big check can only be used it says t’buy more travel through Expedia. Well, Expedia couldn’a thunk up a better promotion. Git sued, lose and distribute coupons t’git fokes t’do bidness with’em.

Well, first, I don’t remember suin’em. But I find out at all I had t’do wuz nuthin, an iss big law firm would fight fer me anyhow. If ‘ey ebm asked me t’begin with, I probly threw the junk mail away. So I got a law gang t’say they’s my lawyers an I been cheated or sumpm an at’s a travesty, so somebody needs t’git paid fer that? An who gits paid in real spendin money? Would anybody guess it might be the lawyers?

So, Ms Kagan — scuse me, Justice Kagan — I’d say y’got y’self a job right off the bat. Cause lawsuits like at shore affect my daily life. An probly raise prices on everthang jist t’pay lawyers t’git rich while claimin’ e’re fightin fer us foke out here in the trenches.

Like at ole boy Thomas Paine said back air in 1792, when fathers wuz first bein promoted t’forefathers an women wuz jist keepin’ house an bein’ mamas. “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil” –The Rights of Man (1792)

Another question at’s botherin me. Anybody ou’tair got any idea why we call iss a democracy, when one judge kin vote down millions uv people? Kin anybody figger out how we call it three equal branches uv gummint when one branch kin overrule the other two an ebm the fokes whut elected the other two, but we don’t git to elect the one at overrules everbody? Don’tat make a fedral judge sumpm like a emperor, or at least a king?

Yeh, I know one judge kin be overruled by five others, cause ‘ey happm t’be a majority uv the Supreme Court. But still at’s only five fokes. An back when ‘ey taught school children about stuff like at, ‘ey said the three  branches uv gummint wuz equal. Fur as I kin tell, at’s false teachin. Either that or gummint’s doin’ it all wrong. An ‘ey ain’t never spose t’be wrong are thay? Least nobody upair ever admits it.

Whut brangs it up is a judge in California jist overruled the majority of the people uv California an said ‘ey cain’t keep gay fokes frum gittin married. Now iss ain’t no attempt t’figger out whether Gays deserve g’git married. Bubba ain’tat smart.

Some fokes back home use ta say bein gay wuz a sin, an at the Bible says so, but since I ain’t never read the whole Bible I ain’t in much uv a position t’prophesy. So thair ain’t gone be no judgement here on the merits or demerits uv gay marriage. I’m jist askin whether it’s right fer one dude t’decide over millions whether sumpm’s right er wrong. An if so, how kin at be a majority rules situation? An ain’tat whut a democracy is?

Yeh, dummy. I know the forefathers set up the judge part. But since the big daddies whut set this all up also said the people have the right to abolish it, don’tay have the right t’abolish any part uv it?

Ole Andrew Jackson, at good ole boy frum Tennessee whut fought wars, became the hero uv New Orleans an took a turn as president, use’ta say the court makes a decision, let’um enforce it. Y’see, he believed in equal branches uv gummint. Not one branch at’s the boss uv’em all.

An ain’tat about whut Obama wuz sayin’ when he insulted the Supreme Court in front uv everbody over a decision he didn’ agree with? Did it right thair when he had’em all together fer his State Of The Union speech, an with the whole country watchin on TV!

I thank I’m gonna take iss up with my friend Junior. He’s got a lotta militia connections. An since the second amendment says a well-trained militia is necessary, an at they kin carry guns an all, maybe they got sumpm t’say about it.

I jist hope ‘ey don’t start pullin’em guns an startin on abolishin gummint right away, cause I ain’t had my vacation yet. An’ I shore don’t wanna git called back t’comment on no gummint takeover.

We all jist gotta remember whu’tat ole boy Thomas Paine said back air in 1792, when fathers wuz first bein promoted t’forefathers. “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil” –The Rights of Man (1792)

At big hooraw in New York City about a Muslim center, or mosque or whutever it is takes up enough space an time in the media t’be a war. Which it is. One side says it’s a insult t’the 9/11 victims, another says we oughten t’be intolerant. They’s s’many sides bein’ barked about that we cain’t keep trak uv’em. But it’s all the same thang. “Don’t mess with my religion.”

Chelsy Clinton marries a Jew, an while at crowd don’wanna git caught sayin nuthin intolerant, they’s rumblin in the pews. Mostly Jewish pews. Like the NY Times sez, “…the seemingly incandescent wedding of Ms. Clinton and Mr. Mezvinsky has churned up ambivalent reactions among the nation’s almost six million Jews.”

I remember a Baptist friend from North Carolina gittin’ s’worked up over a Jewish girl at he jist had t’marry her. She wuz crazy too, so ‘ey jist had t’find a way t’tie the knot. His mama wuz jist confused about Jews cause she never knowed none. But she wuz OK when he told her Jesus wuz a Jew. Took at a while t’sink in, but when it did, the mama wuz OK with the whole program.

But the girl’s famly? Whoo-ee. Did the big S ever hit the fan thair! My friend converted. Well, whut he really did wuz make a donation t’a rabbi, an the rabbi give’im a certificate sayin’ he wuz a Jew. You thank at wuz enough? Yore thankin’ would be wrong. Her parents always had t’keep it a secret frum the rest a’their famly at my friend wudn’ really whu’tay call “really Jewish.”

Then thair’s people whut call they selves atheists. I guess at’s OK if ‘ey wanna do that. But whut’s with atheists who wanna convince everbody else t’be one a’them? Talk about evangelists. Right wing evangelicals ain’t got no fervor like the fervor of a atheist on a mission t’convert people t’the atheist faith. An if y’stop an thank about it, it does take a lotta faith t’claim thair AIN’T no God. Thank uv the stakes thair. Dude shows up at the Pearly Gates an hears “Surprise!”

Amazin, ain’t it? Kings’ve tried t’git rid uv it, emperors have executed people over it, gummints like the Soviets have tried real hard t’stamp it out. Ebm comedians like Bill Maher have give it a shot by makin’ a movie over it. But religion sticks through it all an jist keeps on goin.

An people still git all riled up, an keep on sayin’ “Don’t mess with my religion.”

You’d thank all ‘em people who call thair selves so smart, an have all kinds uv degrees t’prove it, would learn, wouldn’tchy?

Like at ole boy Ralph Waldo Emerson said back yonder somewhair: “A man is a god in ruins.” —Nature (1836)

The Obama administration has adopted a tougher tone with China in recent weeks. Duhh! how many times have we heared at in recent years? Ain’tat kinda like gittin tough with y’banker? Y’talk about it, fluster about it, but since he might stop lendin, you stop before he stops.

The House ethics committee charged Rep. Charles B. Rangel with 13 separate violations of House rules Thursday, saying his various financial dealings broke the “public trust.” Broken? Duhh! Anybody remember when it wuz all in one piece?

New York is “the Big Apple” and Chicago “the Windy City,” but unless the earnest and obvious “Nation’s Capital” is your idea of a cool handle, Washington and its environs have never gotten very far in the civic nickname game. Now jist who made mud outta the name Washinton? Could it be the politicians who sling s’much uv it? Duhh!

Hundreds of opponents of Arizona’s new immigration law swarmed the streets of downtown Phoenix Thursday, confronting police in riot gear as the state’s governor filed an urgent appeal of a judge’s ruling that prevented key portions of the law from taking effect. Ain’tat the way it’s done? Have a demonstration? Carry some signs and git the TV cameras ou’tair? Less all git a cause up. Don’t matter whut it is. The marchin an gittin on TV is whut counts.

Republicans continue Senate filibuster of small-business bill. An right after tryin’ t’kill added unemployment benefits.  Duhh. First it wuz foot in mouth disease, now the Repubs have graduated to shoot in foot disease. Ain’tat whut ye call snatchin defeat out uv the claws uv victry jist in time t’lose the elections?

A record heat wave in Russia is felt in such ways as smoky peat fires around Moscow and dying trout at a fish farm. Whur are you, Al Gore? Ain’tat a sign uv yore Global Warmin’ thang? Are ye too busy with yore new life uv freedom frum Tipper?

An Finely: There may be no tar balls in Boise, but it figures large in the suits against BP as lawyers meet there to decide where the cases should be heard. Mannn. Lawyers salifatin’ over BP? Y’couldn git’tat many buzzards circlin a heard a’dead elephants. Duhh.

Like at ole boy Siggy said jist before he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

Lessee now. Fedral law says aliens hafta carry proof of their legal status. But a fedral judge, at the request of the Obama administration, made it illegal fer state police to ask fer it.

Them badge boys at the state level kin ask fer a drivers license, car registration an a proof uv insurance card, but not a immigration card at the law requires.

Not confused enough yet? Try this: the Department of Homeland Security has set up a national operations center to “promptly” apprise local, state, and federal law-enforcement agencies of the legal status of aliens they encounter in the course of their work. But the judge says the locals cain’t do that cause ‘ey might overburden the system whut supplies the information.

She also said it would be unreasonable t’make people wait fer all the time it would take t’check out the immigration card.

Ain’tat kinda like some judge makin’ a rule at a cop at stops somebody fer speedin cain’t run the stopee’s driver’s license and car tag through the system t’see if thairs some monkey bidness goin on? Like stolen cars or tags or warrants out fer the stopee? At shore takes a while t’run.

Point whutever, fer the umpteenth time, the fedral gummint don’t enforce the law, bu’tey don’t wont nobody else to. So ain’t it time we made a law that the fedral gummint hasta enforce its laws?

I know attorney general Eric Holder sez he’s required to, but seems like he jist picks the ones he or DaddyO wonts to. So whut’s wrong with a law at makes‘im enforce’em all? An put enough law on the scene t’do it.

Only answer I can thank uv is Washinton wouldn’t have immigration t’fight over any more. An y’hafta fight if ye’re gonna keep yer seat up thair. Why? Cause ye gotta have enemies t’survive an fightin makes enemies. Enemies mean y’have somebody else t’blame fer yer mistakes. Plus fightin’ makes everbody look at the fight instead uv the real problem.

An’ immigration is about the juiciest fight anybody could ever find. It’s a fight at jist keeps on goin an goin an goin. It’s like the Energizer Bunny. ‘Cept it ain’t warm n’ fuzzy, which is whut we don’t wont when it comes t’fightin. Kin ye imagine gittin’ caught fightin’ with a pink bunny?

Like Tony the Tiger Hayward uv BP. If anybody could use some face-savin’ serum, at man could. Jist one thang. Somebody needs t’figger out whether the serum will work with antifreeze, cause we hear Tony is bein’ sent t’Siberia.

Then a’course airs BP itself. Spurtin all at oil in the Gulf has already cost’em 32 billion ‘ey say, an ‘ey’re jist gittin started.

Lindsey Lohan shore needs some uv it. Settin’ air in jail, after makin’ a big thang about paintin a message on her fanger nails fer the judge at wuz hearin’ her case. Course she is gittin’ a lot uv free publicity an she’s writin’ some songs she says are shore t’be Grammy winners, so maybe she only needs a half a teaspoon uf face-savin serum. Maybe she needs a lotta reality serum if we could find some?

The Pentagon, fer not bein’ able t’control its secrets. An maybe while smoothin’ over at lost face, ‘ey could git some ‘Get Smart” serum? ‘Member at ole comedy show with the bumblin secret agent? Seems like ‘ey might already have some’a that, cause while ‘ey’re launchin’ a investigation inta how somebody stole them secrets, ‘ey’re sayin’ air ain’t nuthin important in’em anyhow. Duhh.

Charlie Rangel. Course at night be a hopeless case, since he says now he wants t’negotiate his fate in the House, whut’s about t’put him on trial f’ethics violations. Did’n he jist say he looked forward to a trial so he could clear his name? Bring on the face-savin’ serum! Quick.

We’re gonna qui’tiss fore it gits totally recidulous, but everbody gits the idea. Problem is, air cain’t possibly be enough a’that serum t’go around. They’s jist too much face at needs savin.

Like at ole boy Siggy said when he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910

A Republican in Harlem? Runnin aginst Charlie the Wrangler? Have we seen it all? Charlie Rangel, who everbody in Harlem trusts has a Republican runnin aginst him fer his House seat? C’mon! All he did wuz take a little graft like free corporate jet flights t’ the Carribbean. Can we roll up our towels an git off the beach now?

If we had any doubts about the New York Times bein’ a responsible news outfit, we can all relax an believe agin. ‘Ey might go anead an report sumpm the U.S. military wants’em t’hold up on, bu’tey shore wouldn’ double cross at web site Wikileaks at gives away military secrets. Here’s the way it went on a major revelation about the Afghan war, accordin t’the Times:

“The New York Times, the British newspaper The Guardian and the German magazine Der Spiegel were given access to the voluminous records several weeks ago on the condition that they not report on the material before Sunday.”

‘Til Sunday? Ain’tat the big day fer the Times? Ahhh, but don’tchy feel better now tha’tchy know yore Times kin really keep a secret? It jist depends on who asks. An a reliable gang like one at makes its livin’ by revealin’ military secrets during war time shore qualifies as trustworthy!

Congrats to the Boy Scouts on 100 years uv workin’ with youth. But wait. Should we be sayin’ such a thang? Did’n ‘ey mess up on gay rights when ‘ey said ‘ey didn’ want no gay guys bein’ scout masters? Imagine the nerve’a  anybody want’in to keep gay dudes away frum the chicken! An’ at ban probly ebm included the cream uv gay priests! Duhh!

The really important stuff:

Why is it taking so long to make a white iPhone? An how ’bout the new face jobs? How do you know somebody’s available to talk on FaceTime? Why, at’s simple. you git a FacePlant.

I’m waitin’ fer the LoseFace app. Maybe we’ll start some awards when at’n comes out.