Obama on November campaign: “Let’s don’t talk about what I haven’t done, let’s talk about what they’re not gonna do.” Dang! Now at’s a PLAN! An he continues, “They’ve been politickin’ all this time, now it’s my turn. They forget I’m pretty good at that. Duhh! How could anybody fergit? Oh. An he also said education is important. Now how’d he thank at up?

Betchy jist cain’t wait t’gitchy one’a them new Chevy Volt electric cars! It’s priced at a low 41 grand after a gummint chip in uv 7500 bucks. Y’hafta charge it up ever day, an y’cain’t take a trip in it. Y’hafta live pretty close t’work t’ebm’git thair an back on one charge?

An jist thank how green it is! Don’t burn no gas, don’t spit out no carbon. But wait! It burns electricity. An whur does most electricity come frum? Kin you say coal-fired power plants? An who pays at 7500? Ain’tat whut the gummint borries frum China? An ain’tay the biggest, chokinest coal-fired country in the world? Duhh! Nuthin frum nuthin is still nuthin, ain’t it?

(WSJ) “Google and Verizon released a joint proposal stating that wireline broadband providers shouldn’t be able to discriminate against lawful Internet content providers. But the plan would provide benefits to both companies.” Imagine at. The big G an the big V are gone git sumpm outta their proposal? DUHH!

Jobs Available. The Circus Is Hirin
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus held clown auditions last Friday under the big top at Coney Island. Still lookin’ we hear. We recommend members uv Congress apply.

It’s like at ole philospher David Hume said back air before we ebm knew about oil, much less made our best oil discovery, which wuz it’s a great excuse fer startin a war, “It is never possible to deduce judgements of value from matters of fact” —Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding (1751)

Virginia joined the national debate over immigration Monday when Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II issued a legal opinion that authorizes law enforcement to check the immigration status of anyone stopped by police officers for any reason. Whut? We thought a Fedral judge in Arizona stopped all at stuff. An now it pops up from under the carpet in Virginia? This thang jist won’t go away. Whut’s with Americans anyhow? Expectin’ immigration laws t’be enforced when y’DaddyO is determined not to? Duhh!

Gulf disaster is biggest accidental spill in history, analysis says
The blown-out well in the Gulf of Mexico gushed 12 times faster than the government and BP estimated in the early weeks of the crisis and has spilled a whopping 4.9 million barrels, or 205.8 million gallons, according to a more detailed analysis announced late Monday. Duhh. An after all at we hafta have scientific analysis t’tell us it’s the biggest ever? Jist ask some people on the Gulf coast.

President Obama began a month-long effort Monday to remind an American electorate fatigued by war that the U.S. military effort in Iraq is about to enter its end game. Er-uhh. About to begin the end? Didn’ DaddyO say he wuz gonna begin that on his first day in the Oval? An now he’s ABOUT to? Duhh!

Humans Not Fail-safe plan to stop disasters. Duhh. An’ I had so hoped humans had the perfect answer to everthang. Dang! Whut’ll we do now? Find a god er sumpm?

Washington philanthropist, education innovator and hi-fidelity stereo pioneer Sidney Harman will buy Newsweek from The Washington Post Co. Harman, 91, says his “primary responsibility” will be building a succession plan for Newsweek to hand it over to his children or an outside owner upon his death. Well, now, ain’tat a noble cause. Take on a failin’ magazine an right away find somebody t’replace ye. Duhh. How y’gonna replace a 91-year-old developer of 1950′s hi-fi technology?

A top U.S. nonprofileration official outlined a plan Monday to penalize North Korea by choking off the international network of companies and banks that largely fund its nuclear weapons program and the lifestyles of its elite. Duhh. How could anybody be so smart as to think of such a thing? An so soon after all ‘ese trubbles with North Korea started?

Video surveillance is growing explosively in northwestern China, where ethnic Han and Uighur groups took part in the ethnic rioting last year. Don’tchy jist pity these pore ethnic groups whut’re bein’ watched all the time? Ye thank some Americans in cities whur video cameras are bein’ used t’watch whether we’re runnin stop lights or speedin’ er sumpm, or in stores whur we shop, could hep ese pore people in China shake loose frum iss horrible watchin’ video eye? Duhh.

Like at wise ole dude Confucius always said, “The people may be made to follow a course of action, but they may not be made to understand it.” —Analects

Like Tony the Tiger Hayward uv BP. If anybody could use some face-savin’ serum, at man could. Jist one thang. Somebody needs t’figger out whether the serum will work with antifreeze, cause we hear Tony is bein’ sent t’Siberia.

Then a’course airs BP itself. Spurtin all at oil in the Gulf has already cost’em 32 billion ‘ey say, an ‘ey’re jist gittin started.

Lindsey Lohan shore needs some uv it. Settin’ air in jail, after makin’ a big thang about paintin a message on her fanger nails fer the judge at wuz hearin’ her case. Course she is gittin’ a lot uv free publicity an she’s writin’ some songs she says are shore t’be Grammy winners, so maybe she only needs a half a teaspoon uf face-savin serum. Maybe she needs a lotta reality serum if we could find some?

The Pentagon, fer not bein’ able t’control its secrets. An maybe while smoothin’ over at lost face, ‘ey could git some ‘Get Smart” serum? ‘Member at ole comedy show with the bumblin secret agent? Seems like ‘ey might already have some’a that, cause while ‘ey’re launchin’ a investigation inta how somebody stole them secrets, ‘ey’re sayin’ air ain’t nuthin important in’em anyhow. Duhh.

Charlie Rangel. Course at night be a hopeless case, since he says now he wants t’negotiate his fate in the House, whut’s about t’put him on trial f’ethics violations. Did’n he jist say he looked forward to a trial so he could clear his name? Bring on the face-savin’ serum! Quick.

We’re gonna qui’tiss fore it gits totally recidulous, but everbody gits the idea. Problem is, air cain’t possibly be enough a’that serum t’go around. They’s jist too much face at needs savin.

Like at ole boy Siggy said when he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910

But wait jist a minute here. Dig in a tad more an ye find at BP has been buyin America fer a long time now. ‘Ey do more drillin in the Gulf than any other oil cumpny? ‘Ey run the biggest oil field in Alaska, Prudhoe Bay, an own the biggest part uv the Trans Alaska pipeline?

Well, hang on jist another minute. BP is the biggest oil an gas producer in America? How’dat happm? Whur wuz Paul Revere yellin’ “The Brits are comin’?

Now we find a double sneaky. At Brit cumpny has hired a good ole boy frum Mississippi t’run thangs. Well, now maybe thangs’ll git straightend out. Good ole boys already have their life back. At’s standard equipment w’good ole boys. So maybe BP stands a chance after all?

But wait. Thair’s more. It ain’t jist BP. We got another problem. Far more serous. Paul McCartney, scuse me, SIR Paul McCartney played Nashville last night. McCartney? A member of the real British invasion at started with 60′s music? Now he’s messin with the home of ever good ole boy’s music?

Wuz it a packed house? Huh? Does a bear go in the woods? Talk about our good ole boy music bein’ took over by pop n rock n stuff like at! Whur’s Merle Haggard in times like ese?

It wudn’ enough at a rock band frum Nashville, called the Kings of Leon, won iss year’s Grammy fer the best rock record, an’ Cheryl Crow moved here frum California. Now it’s a British invasion all over agin. McCartney plays Nashville? I smell a conspiracy somewhair, don’tchu?

Less jist hope at ole boy David Hume was right when he said, “It is never possible to deduce judgements of value from matters of fact” —Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding (1751)

Like all the people Obama has put outta work by not lettin’ anybody drill off shore while somebody checks safety of the rigs. But who’s checkin’ an’ whut’re thay checkin? Probly jist a blame gang somewhur doin’ sumpm t’give some political CYA fer any other blow-outs at might happm. Jist tell all ‘em people outta work t’take the long view. Everbody’ll feel better.

So at’s whu’tayre tellin’em. Airs iss dude at talks more than Obama takin’ care uv the BP money. Goes aroun’ braggin bout how he’s the law in the Gulf. He’s Czar Feinberg. A rich lawyer frum Boston. He sets air while people come in an beg fer their money t’stay alive while everthang ‘ey’ own an ever hope fer gits carried away by the oil muck.

When nobody gits enough t’solve ‘ey’re problems – an ‘ey never will – thair ain’t nobody t’blame. BP says it’s Feinberg’s problem. Obama says it’s Feinberg’s problem. An’ since nobody can fire Feinberg, it don’t matter whut anybody says about’im. Least uv all the fokes whut’s gittin a grease job done on ‘ey’re lives. But they’re spose t’take the long view. In a few years everthang’ll git back t’normal. DaddyO says at, so it must be true.

Then the Obama gang figgers suin’ Arizona an lettin illegals jist romp across the border, messin’ up the lives of American fokes who live air might cost some votes in November, but at’s OK. Cause it’s good in the long view. We’ll git more illegals, we’ll make’em citizens somewhair down the road an ‘ey’ll vote fer us. Maybe ebm before ‘ey git t’be citizens. At’s the long view.

And we guess at mus’ be the the whole idea of the whole gang in Congress. Don’t do nuthin. It’s all gonna work out in the long view. But ye say, ey’ve passed health care an finance reform. Passed whut? Thousands uv pages uv laws at nobody knows whut’s in, but splains at gummint agencies’ll git it all handled with regulations in the long view.

An’ we all know how regulations work, don’t we. Like, as in the IRS an all its regulations. Warehouses full uv’em. So full nobody knows whut all ‘ey say. Enough uv’em to grow a whole industry a’fokes sellin’ advice about’em, writin’ about’em, an worry’in over’em. Course ‘ey git by jist reglar fokes by givin’ out refunds like it wuz ‘ey’re own money. An’ the H&R Block bunch lives off uv “come on in, we’ll gitchy the best refund.” Nobody minds at it’s yer own money “ey’re gittin back fer ye, an the gummints kept it all iss time and ain’t paid ye no interest fer it. An’ ye had t’hire somebody t’ git it back fer ye, cause the regulations are so thick nobody can figger’em out.

But jist take the long view. Don’t worry, be happy. Look on the sunny side. Thair’s a brighter day tomorrow. Thair’s a million a’ them sayins t’make takin’ the long view the right view. An git outta doin’ anythang now.

It’s like at ole philospher David Hume said back air before we ebm knowed about oil, much less made our best oil discovery, which wuz it’s a great excuse fer startin a war, “It is never possible to deduce judgements of value from matters of fact” —Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding (1751)

BP helps a terrorist git loose? Hey, fokes. Don’tchy know everthangs fair in love an war and biness? An’ don’chy jist know everthang’s gonna turn out fair an square in at Gulf Gusher deal? Sooner or later everbody at lives down air will gi’teir main question answered: when does at BP damage money start flowin? Not to worry, fokes. Y’all will git paid sooner or later. See? Airs yer answer. Duh–h!

The NYT sez, “So few of the Pakistani rich pay taxes that one neighborhood hired transgender tax collectors to embarrass residents into paying their debts.” Seems at’s embarrassin t’ rich peeps in Pakistan, so t’git rid uv the embarrassment, ‘ey pay up. We’d say that’s a good suggestion fer our IRS, bu’tat Probly wouldn’ embarrass nobody in our rich bunch. The transgends’d jist be invited in fer a party. One more small tidbit on at: the Times puts at story in ‘ey’re War Blog. Duh–h!

I see whur inshorance cumpny’s are pushin health plans at limit our choices in doctors. At’s all in line with our new blessin we all get with Obama Care. Does anybody ou’tair remember at we wuz sposed t’be able t’keep the doctors we wanted? Well if you blieved at, y’probly also blieved the part about the free bridges. Duhh!

Another thang t’blieve in: if yore outta work an y’sign up f’ one a’them gummint trainin’ programs, ye’ll git a job. Now understand the gummint don’t pay the whole thang. You gotta go in debt fer part uv it. An debt’s good, as demonstrated by the gummint. Whut? Nobody told ye that the Obama plan ain’t complete yet. An thair ain’t enough jobs yet in the field ‘ey trained ye fer? An’ yore beginnin t’thank yore gummint missed a step somewhair? Jist hang on thair! The gummint’ll gitchy a job. Sooner or later. Duhh!

Like at ole boy Siggy said about the time he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

But wait! Thairs more! The problems w’that new iPhone might be over. Apple is holdin’ a news conference t’day t’tell us all about it. Now thair’s the biggie we all been waitin fer. But dontchy jist hope air’s a little wiggle room left? Thair’s still comfort in at main feature uv bein’ able t’ have a great excuse not t’take a call y’don’t wont. “Sorry, it jist dropped out. Got a iPhone, y’know.”

But courage, people. AT&T will probly still give everbody lotsa dropouts. An’ it looks like the big T is gonna be aroun fer a while. At contract t’ provide dropouts fer the iPhone goes on ’til sometime in 2012. Says so in a bunch’a papers some lawyers dug up cause ‘ey’re suin’ Apple. So all you dreamers whut’s been thankin you wuz gon’ git a sleek new I with Verizon can go on ’boutchy bidness with at dull ole Blackberry.

But wait agin. Did somebody say at cap on the Gulf gusher might hafta be taken off? An why’s at? So BP can git the oil flowin’ agin? Bu’tiss time capture it an’ sell it. WELL, at’s purfeckly understandable. ‘Ey went ta all at trubble an expense t’ dig it, ‘ey oughtta be able t’enjoy it. An make some’a that money back at they’re payin out t’the Gulf people at lost everthang. After all, ‘ey only took in 291 billion last year. Shorely y’all don’t thank at’s a lot. Everbody’s faverit neighborhood store, Walmart, took in over 400 billion. Now at’s a right smart fer a little store frum a backward state like Arkansas.

Now, fore we go, we gotta tell ye the Vatican is gittin’ tough with priests at sexually abuse little boys. Ey’ve put it right up air with makin’ priests outta women. Now at shows real guts, dontchy thank? At’ll shore be enough t’make a gay priest shiver ever time he sees a little boy sashayin’ down the aisle.

Like at ole boy Siggy said jist before he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

Mel Gibson? Wooden ye say he’s a purty smart guy t’be able t’do all ‘em movies an stuff? Well, we cain’t have no success like at. Lessee now… whut could we do t’turn all at success inta failure? I know. I got it. Less make some vile, racist remarks. Oops at didn git the job done, so less hit a woman in the mouth an break’er teeth. An t’be sure it works, less wait ’til she’s got a baby in’er arms. Now, shorely at’ll do it.

But wait. Gittin’ some real failure goin is hard t’do when you’re use t’succeedin’ all the time. An’ now other Hollywooders are interferin’ with Mel’s attempts at failure. Maybe if ey’d jis leave him alone, he could do a good job uv it.

But no. Here comes Whoopie, whoopin’ up the fact that he’s been in her house, an she knows he ain’t no racist. Well at oughtta be enough t’foul up Mel’s attempt t’fail. Huh? In her house? He’s gonna act up an’ call her names? I guess not. Somebody oughtta tell Mel he could really do it at way though. Then he’d git on the View, an he could do all sorts a’sure t’fail remarks air, cause ever word a’that program gits repeated by other TV shows.

Then we got Obama. He’s helpin tremendously with BPs efforts t’make failure work on the Gulf coast. BP puts a bunch’a people down air outta work by messin’ up everthang with more oil goo than God’s got little green apples, bu’tat ain’t enough fer DaddyO. He tries t’put another hunderd thousand er so in the jobless lines by shuttin down drillin. But curses, he gits foiled by some judge at says he cain’t do that. So whut does he do next?

Well, not to be foiled at his failed promotion of failure, he gits his lawyer gang t’re-define his order t’shut down drillin. See, y’make it differnt, an’ the whole thang has t’start over in the courts. So it all repeats. If at first y’don’t make thangs fail… well we said at line before.

Then air’s students an’ cheatin. On whut? Everthang, but most important papers ‘ey gotta write an tests ‘ey gotta pass. Write sumpm by theyselves usin’ some research? Only dummies do that. Take a test without figgerin out how t’cheat on it? At’s fer real num-nums.

Besides, we can gi’tiss failure job done an’ make it seem like success. After all, however y’do it a good paper or a passin’ grade looks like success. An whut looks like success is the purfeck cover-up for failure later in life. Y’fail, an’ cain’t nobody figger out why, whut with all ‘em good grades.

We got it now. failin’ is the new success. We jist needed some more examples to git it through our hard heads. Duh–h!

At’s it! Why am I so brilliant? Why don’t we jis go ahead an call iss game and declare BP the winner, an all go on about our bidness? We could git one’a them World Cup refs t’make it official. Ey’re so good nobody could ever question ‘ey’re call, an we could all git t’see sumpm’ important like a celeb gittin’ out uv a car or sumpm. I miss at with all iss ugly oil takin’ up my screen time, don’tchu? Yay! Bring back Britny. I don’ know bou’tchu, but I miss seein’ at.

Turnin’ to politics now… don’tchy jis love the way i move frum one thang t’another? Turnin’ t’politics, the House has approved a low at says everbody’s gotta be truthful about who’s financin’ election campaigns. Hot Dawg. Now everbody in politics has got t’be honest. Ey’ve passed a law at says so. Now, we jis gotta git the Senate t’make it official an git DaddyO t’sign it. At’s a breeze! Everbody’s honest an don’t nobody lie in Washinton, so ‘ey’ll go right along with the program. Ain’tchy jis so proud uv’em?

An’ now we got ourselfs a mystry. At new iPhone is droppin’ calls when y’hold it a certain way. Ain’tchy glad we brung at news flash t’yore attention? I mean you thought the new iPhone wuz perfec didn’tchy? Now everbody at so enjoys dropped calls on ‘ey’re old iPhones can go right on with confidence at’ey’ll still have a perfect excuse f’not returnin’ the wife’s call at came at a inopportune time. “Remember, dear… I have an iPhone, y’know. An it drops calls ebm before I gittem…” See? Y’can relax now, men. At new iPhone’s perfec, jis like yore old one.

An speakin’a smart phones, whut ever happmd t’DaddyO’s Blackberry? He wuz fightin’ so hard t’keep it, but have you seen him use it lately? I know I ain’t had the pleasure. I’ll jis hafta git my cracked staff on at, an’ git back to ye.

Til then, remember whut Siggy said when he was developin the slip we all so enjoy: “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” –Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

If y’enter WashingtonPost.com in y’web browser whatta y’git? Woodjy say Washinton Post, the newspaper? Well you’d be wrong. Wrong as Porky Pig havin’ bacon fer breakfast. Whatchy really git is a buncha Google ads. Includin’ one the WP pays fer t’really gitchy to them. Ain’t we jis living in a wunnerful world? I mean when y’can git more ads in y’life at easy, we jis gotta say TECH RULES! An’ we do love t’be ruled by tech, don’t we? Nex t’bein ruled by Obama, at’s as good as it gits!

Like BP tech. I wuz about t’say if ‘ey had any luck at all it’d be not jis bad but drubby – cause fer a while yestiddy it looked like ‘ey’d blow’deir top in the Gulf – but then I find out they got the top back on. An git this: Em boys are gittin around Obama’s drillin ban. Ain’t we all jis su’prised? Su’prised t’death!

Smart dudes built their selfs ‘eir own island off the coast of Alaska an are drillin on it. At means drillin on land, not in the water. Well it’s under 22 feet a’water, bu’tat’s shallow water. Jis details. An’ details makes loopholes. An if they’s anything the fedral gummint likes, it’s loopholes. An with a loophole BP is free t’drill. Hot dog, baby. At oughtta make Sarah Palin proud.

The Obama su’prise: Firin’ a gen’ral at dissed’im. An’ sayin with at stern, satisfied look, “I welcome debate among my team, but I won’t tolerate division.” We all WUZ su’prised abou’tat, huh? I know I shore wuz. Bye bye McChrystal. But can ‘ey take’is retirement away if he keeps on dissin? Oh, man! Y’thank ‘ey thought abou’tat? A runaway, double-dissin’ 4-star genral could be a real embarrasin su’prise!

Su’prise headline: “Petraeus Taking Control of a Tougher Fight” No, all you dum dums outtair. The su’prise aint’ that DaddyO is movin America’s favorite general into Afghanistan. It’s the control thang. Somebody… anybody… is gonna take control in Afghanistan? Duh-h. After nine years uv no control by ANYbody? In at craggy wasteland? Ruled by everbody an nobody?

Can we git a big duh? DUH–H