How to get traditional homework done. How to get good grades. How to stop the tech tsunami, at least for little while, so some knowledge that we all know they need can seep in through the mass of outside mind capture. Do you fight’em or join’em?

It’s not a new problem, of course. There’s always been something kids would rather do than sit and study. A craze for music and the stars who make it. A craze for TV and the stars who make it. Girls gone wild. And not like the stupid wee-hours TV commercial kind. The kind who went wild for Sinatra, then Elvis Presley, then the Beatles. And now a raft of stars all chanting about the same stuff. And they have to tech it up.

But nobody or nothing takes the place of computer games and cell phone. They’re addictive. Around our house, 9 and 12-year-old girls would do nothing but computer games if not distracted occasionally by adults who are bound to stick something in here and there to try rounding out some bit of a mind we know is in there.

Like there are bursts of drawing bordering on art, so we try to encourage that. But we can only manage to get limited interest long enough for one drawing now and then. Not long ago we bought a computer drawing program, hoping computer art would catch on. It lasted about 30 minutes, and now the drawing tablet is behind the computer.

Piano lessons. There once was a display of interest from the one now twelve. So we bought a new high-tech keyboard that’ll simulate everything from a grand piano to a freight train and started piano lessons. But now the whole adventure is little more than a resented interruption to the computer games.

So comes the ages-old question: where’s the line between encouraging and enforcing? One kind of story comes out of a now-successful entertainer who says he’s thankful that mom insisted that he take piano lessons (Billy Joel is one). Another story says a kid grows up to hate the sight of the forced instrument. Then there’s the story that if it’s meant to be, you can’t keep’em away from it. Like Mozart and Menuhin.

So what do we do? Let nature take its course and hope there’s something rewarding out there somewhere? That talent will out whatever it is? That maybe somewhere someday something – even all that computer time, cell phone time tech emersion – will turn into something worthwhile?

Well something did for you and me, I guess. And weren’t we always immersed in the thing of the day that made parents wonder if they were in a trap?

It’s not living that’s the challenge, it’s life.

Oops. Too late. Jist after I Googled Julia, I found out she’s dangerous t’search fer. She an Cameron Diaz are spose t’be the two most dangerous searches in America. Hackers use’em as bait t’lure fokes in an steal all ‘eyr stuff. Whooee! I never been s’glad that I ain’t got much stuff.

Somebody did one a’them polls an’ found at 20% uv Americans thank Barack Obama is a Muslim. Did’n ‘ey see the videos a’his hell-fire an brimstone preacher rantin’ away before the election? Or maybe some fokes’d thank the preacher’s a Muslim extremist, since he wuz rantin’ aginst America. People git strange ideas frum strange places, don’tay?

We hear high priced wines are sellin’ more an prices are goin’ up. Like 18% this year.  At means it’s gittin awful ‘spensive t’impress friends an enemies. Oh woe! Whut will them rich fokes do now? Lessee…wadn’tair a dude back air somewhair at made the stuff outta water? An purty good stuff ‘ey said? Y’thank ‘ey oughtta check with him? Jist thank a’how impressive a 2000 year old jug’a wine’d be!

See? At ole philosopher William James wuz right when he said, “If merely ‘feeling good’ could decide, drunkenness would be the supremely valid human experience”. –Varieties of Religious Experience (1902)

An’ at’s whur Ricky wuz frum wadn’t it? You ‘member Ricky, dontchy? Lucy’s husband on at ole Lucy TV show? Man, didn’ey know how t’have a good time! Well, at all came frum Cuba. They wuz booze, women & song galore down air. Now I did’n leave out the wine, ‘ey did. None’a that weak stuff, jist straight t’the hard stuff. Rum! Rum is frum sugar cane, an sugar cane is frum Cuba. ‘Cept in America.

We ain’t allowed t’eat or drank or smoke a thang frum Cuba. See, we couldn’ let’em embarrass us like ‘ey did at the Bay a’Pigs an’ git by with it, so we jist shut’em down. At’s whut we did t’Carribbean countries back years ago.

Well, most a’the time we jist invaded’em. Sent some marines over an took over the place. Jist like Russia use t’do with small countries next t’them. Butat Castro dude embarrassed our purtiest president ever, John F. Kennedy, by repellin’ our troops. So we got all our friends together an’ did a blockade. Shut’em down. Been at way ever since. ‘Cept a’course when Castro did the grandaddy uv all illegal immigrant tricks an sent over Cubans by the huuge bunches. We called’em sumpm differnt then: Refugees.

But now thangs might change. Only thang is, right now opn’in up Cuba is jist a trial balloon. At means thair ain’t nobody at the White House at’ll own up t’sayin it, cause if the thought uv makin’ Havana legal agin raises too much uv a fuss, everbody’ll jist deny they wuz serious about it. It’ll jist be another rumor.

An’ a’course the rest uv the blockade is still gonna be left, ‘ey say. Cain’t go that fur yet, ebm with a fantasy leak. At’d be too much t’swaller at one time. After all, ‘em Cubans is Communists, an Communists is worse’n Taliban.

But if ‘ey do git Havana opm agin, jist thank a’the fun the Hollywood crowd could have. I mean Vegas is ole stuff. Y’cain’t ebm git a decent private jet high enough t’have a decent drank between LA an Vegas. But Havana! Now thair’s possibilities fer real frivolity. An thank a’the new possibilitis uv gittin ‘ey’re pitchers in the rags. An’ wooden the papparazzi jist be thrilled. I tell ye fokes, this is gonne happm. Cause whuts’ good fer Hollywood is good fer the Country. Everbody knows at, don’tay? You do, dontchy? I know I shore do!

Good thang we don’t listen t’them ole philosophers like William James no more. He’s the one at put down good times by sayin, “If merely ‘feeling good’ could decide, drunkenness would be the supremely valid human experience”.

Netflix will pay almost $1 billion to Epix over five years for online-streaming rights for movies from Paramount, Lionsgate and MGM. (HR) Duhh! Did somebody say thair wuz a recession?

President Obama’s remarks Friday and Saturday on a proposed mosque and Islamic cultural center near Ground Zero sparked heated exchanges on the Sunday morning news shows. (WP) Well imagin’at! A heated exchange amongst politicians! An over sumpm at has t’do with religion, which is spose t’be separate frum gummint? Who’d a’thunk it?

While Washington politicians argue over the role of money in federal elections, a growing number of states are starting to grapple with their own challenge: a tide of special-interest money flowing into local judicial races. (WP) Lessee now… could’at mean the politicians’ tills are full so we can now start on the judges, whur one vote means everthang?

Patraeus Says Afghan Stratege On Track— In his first six weeks as the top U.S. and NATO commander in Afghanistan, Gen. David H. Petraeus has seen insurgent attacks on coalition forces spike to record levels, violence metastasize to previously stable areas, and the country’s president undercut anti-corruption units backed by Washington. (WP) Whut?! That’s whut we call “on track?” Duhh!

We are our bumper stickers. Liberals exhort, “Wage Peace.” Conservatives exclaim, “Vote Democrat, It’s Easier Than Working.” And then thair’s “Inside Every Old Person Is a Young Person Wondering What Happened.” (WP) At about sums it up, don’t it?

It’s like at ole boy Desiderius Erasmus said way back yonder: “Fortune favours the fool.” –In Praise of Folly (1515)

The Obama Gang, in court suin’ Arizona, says AZ law interferes with feds enforcin’ immigration law. Lessee now. The feds ain’t enforcin’ the law, an they’re suin’ cause Arizona wants t’enforce the law, an ‘ey say at’s interferin with whut? Scuse me if I’m confused. Jist how can ye interfere with how sumpm’s bein’ done if they ain’t nothin bein’ done? The judge is askin the same question, in more judgy words a’course. Duhhh!

Lack of votes may mean end of energy bill. Duhhh. At’s usually whut happms to sumpm’ when it don’t git votes, ain’t it? Could it be at nobody likes havin gas prices an heatin oil prices an ever other price raised on us? An at some a’them senators are gittin’ afraid they might be affected by a lack uv votes if ‘ey raise’em? Duhhh.

Obama Family Plans Weekend Vacation in Gulf Area. A whole weekend uv showin’ how supportive ‘ey are uv fokes whose lives have been taken away by at BP gulf gusher? Could at be ’cause Michelle spent a few minutes on Panama City Beach, then took off with the whole famly fer a real vacation in Bar Harbor Maine? An fokes noticed at? Well ain’t we all impressed! Duhhh.

Lindsey Lohan Gets Steady Stream of Visitors in Jail. Whut? Y’mean celebs git special treatment ebm in jail? Lil Lindsey can have visitors when the other inmates caint? I’d be shocked, but I see here whur prison officials say “Lindsay might get visitors after the official visiting hours are over for the other inmates for security reasons. It’s for the safety of everyone,” Oh, now at makes it perfeckly clear. Everbody’ll be safer if the star uv the prison show gits her way. Otherwise she might tear down the jail? Duhhh.

I do believe it’s time once agin fer Siggy. “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

F’starters, Jessie Jackson says the Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert is treatin’ LeBron James like a runaway slave. Way t’go, Jessie. Anythang fer a old news dude like you t’stay in the news. Jist do it on a slow news day.

How excitin! A game with no score fer two hours. If Spain and the Netherlands hadn’t broke the World Cup record f’fightin’ an dirty tricks, they wouldn’a been nuthin t’watch. Now don’chy’jist know some moneybags is gonna start a giant new American soccer league?

Now ebm at dude Robert Gibbs, the guy whut gits paid t’say nuthin’ but nice thangs about DaddyO Obama, says the Republicans could win the House in the November elections. See? more old news. ‘Ey git lots uv it o’nem Sundy news programs like Meet the Press, hosted by at second string Brian.

But ain’tat always the way? I mean one gang’a politicians gits in, breaks ever promise ‘ey can remember, an’ another team gits t’move in an break its promises. Jist like we say. More ole news. Course DaddyO put li’l Robbie up to it, don’tchy know. At’s t’make the Republicans git too cocky an figger thay got it all won so thay le’tayr guard down. We all know at sneaky trick, don’t we?

Trubble is, jist how many actors can Repubs come up with? T’win, y’gotta be a better actor that yer opponent. At’s all at counts. Issues, shmissues, it’s the best actor whut always wins. All the talkin’ heads jist play like the issues ‘ey make up are important, couse ‘ey gotta have sumpm t’blab about, but ‘ey’re jist blabbin inta the wind. THE BEST ACTOR WINS, fokes. May not be a good actor. Jist has t’be less bad at foolin people than whutever good ole boy (an at includes girls, not t’seem sexist here) heshe’s runnin aginst.

An speakin’a boys an girls. Dontchy jist git jealous sometimes, men? I mean girls always git the best stuff in life. Like can y’blieve this’un? Ye know this here Lilith Fair thay have fer women? Well, instead a’the same ole porty potties at us men’re used to, some outfit at makes them former unmentionables, women’s pads, tampons ‘an panty liners, is furnishing DE-lux accomodations t’take the place a’porty potties.

You got it. Courtesy uv Stayfree, Carfree an O.B. (all us men know whu’tay are don’t we?), the ladies have luxury potties complete with facilities t’take ‘ey’re pitchurs with ‘ey’re favrite star in the potty room lounge. Well at IS with a digital image at fools people inta thinkin’ at they wuz in the potty with ‘ey’re favrite star. But still. Do them stars like Sarah McLachlan, Martina McBride, and Mary J. Blige know abou’tat?

Like at ole boy Siggy said when he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

Don’t matter whut the temp is in Peoria or Mayberry. Whutever it is in Yankeeville is whut we all git. ‘Ey got a hunderd degrees? Lettum try Phoenix sometime. How ’bout 120? Yeh, I know. It’s dry heat. An Nyew York is really whur everthang at matters really matters. ‘Cept Washinton a’course. ‘Ey got a few people makin’ up DuhNooz air too. Duh-h.

Disney stole “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” Could at be? Really? Well, maybe didn’t steal it, but jist didn’t pay fer it. A lotta times stealin’ ain’t stealin’ if y’had a contract t’pay an jist didn’ pay. Anybody oughta be able t’see that. ‘Cept a jury didn’t. ‘Ey say Disney has t’pay the Brit cumpny at invented the show $269.4 million in damages. Kinda dirties up Snow White don’t it?

DaddyO is havin’ a contest to git suggestions on how t’save money in the fedral gummint. He’s askin’ employees t’submit ideas on whut t’do t’cut expenses. I got one fer’em. Some’a them boys oughtta step up an’ say “FIRE ME,” an the one at’s makin’ the most gits the prize, which is a meetin’ with Obama. Thair they can talk about who else t’fire. Bet everbody’s holdin’ey’re breath on at one. Duh-h

Did Obama step in it? They’s a big deal bein’ made out uv a pitcher a’ him on the beach close t’some oil. Looks like he’s jist lookin’ at it. Like’is thankin’ bout it, maybe bout t’come up with a new speech t’preach at it. Next we find out that the pitcher has been photoshopped. Whut? Y’mean a pitcher ain’t worth a thousand words no more? Pitchers do lie after all?

Well, here’s a idear. Long as they’re photoshoppin ‘ey oughtta cut out the white dress shirt an long black pants, with him down air on the beach an’ all. Naw, silly. I ain’t gonna say make’im stand air in’is underwear. But put’im in some jeans an’ a work shirt f’heavens sake. Ain’tchu people heard yet? His poll ratin’s have dropped like a lead balloon. Only 38% uv people say they like him now. He needs t’look like he’s helpin out with more than thankin’ an speechin. An ‘ey gott’im standin air on the beach in a white shirt? Duh-h

Like at ole philosopher David Hume said way back air fore we ebm knowed about turnin’ our fantasies inta movin pitchers, much less TV shows: “It is never possible to deduce judgements of value from matters of fact” –Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding (1751)

Y’think you got credit card problems? The people handlin his estate, whut thair is uv it, say he run up bills uv half a billion dollars., then went off an’ left’em.

Yay, Michael! Whut a example. Y’make all us credit-card addicted fokes who love faux luxury proud. You set a new bar f’those of us who keep the credit card cuttin industry possible. An’ since at whole industry’d go broke if we all did whut they say, at whole crowd must be proud uv you too.

Another how ‘bou’tat: Steve Jobs. No sooner did AT&T git clogged with orders f’that new iPhone at does everthang but make y’gravy (but it shore does make Steve’s) than we hear that Toy Store 3 has set a new record f’the gravy train. At’s no. 3, people. A third-in-line sequal yet. Oh, y’didn f’git that Steve invented Pixar, did’jy? Why cain’t I make movies like at on my Mac?

Jis think. If I could do that, I could impress kids with my computer skills. Sumpm I ain’ been able t’do since the Mac Plus days. Adults try that now, an’ the kids jis take over an’ say sumpm like, “Here’s how y’do it, dad.” An’ them are the same kids at start whizzin along with a new game while I’m still tryin t’figger out the instructions.

Now I hear that their DSs as ‘ey call’em will soon have 3d. With no glasses required. Oh joy. Now I git t’pay fer another upgrade.

Like at ole boy Siggy said when he invented the slip, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910

Did anybody here try t’watch at Miss USA contest on TV last night? I started to, but had to quit before it hardly got started. First thang is if you wanted to see some purty girls? F’git it. Ugly? The wicked witch a’the west coulda won if it was a beauty contest. I know they stopped callin the Miss America thang a beauty contest, an I shore hope they did the same thang with Miss USA.

Then they wuz Joan Rivers and her daughter talkin’ whu’tay call color. Joan Rivers? I remember seein’ Joan Rivers a long time ago, and either that’n they had last night wuz an imposter or Rivers stole a new head frum a wax museum. Don’t they have one a’them in Vegas? Outside a’that, some plastic surgeon had to have a Brinks truck t’take his fees t’the bank.

Next – an I almost talked about this first, it’s so dumb – Vegas is tryin’ to solve its problem of bein’ the winner in the home repossession contest by buildin’ more homes. Now I know the federal gummint tryin’ t’git outta debt by borrowin more money is bad. But buildin’ more houses cause y’got too many of’em bein’ repossessed? Somebody left the crazy house door open!

Oh, an by the way, there’s already 9,517 spanking new houses sittin empty out thair.

Jist one more thang, an’ less git outta Las Vegas f’jist a minute. I didn’t know this before, but people in Shanghai wear their pajamas t’town. An’ t’work an ever whair. But now that they’re havin’ a big World Expo, their gummint is tryin’ t’git their people t’wear real clothes when they leave the house. An whut the gummint says in Shanghai, goes in Shanghai.

Well, I guess ole Tom Paine wuz right when’e said, “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil” – The Rights of Man (1792)

Didje see the big fight yestiddy? Went right inta the night! Or didje fergit to look at it cause ye was too interested in at Lohan girl losin’ her movie deal? Course the BIG fight was between your congress people an the big bankers. Didje think either one of’m was fightin’ fer you? Or was there somebody in outer space they was fightin’ fer?

Or wait. Could they’ve been fightin’ fer theyselves? Could they jist be tryin’ to lay down some smoke? Would the gummint an’ the big banks really do that? Please, Lord, don’t tell me they’re all workin’ on hedlines an CYA an don’t give a darn ’bout the rest of us? (note: mama don’t let me use the BIG D word, but somebody might oughtta, so could somebody out there hit it jist a tad fer me? Much oblige).

An whose stock went up while they was fussin’ an fightin’? Bankers 100, congress people zero. Yeh, in case you don’t watch the stock market, read it here. Market down, Goldman Sachs up. At means all our 401k’s went down while ‘em people who’re sposed to be fightin’ fer us tried t’blame somebody else fer our home prices and 401k’s droppin’ like a td in a slop jar. Duh-h!

Elsewhere in duh nyews, we jis gotta stop iss global coolin’! Sprang was sposed to start when? Wadn at in March? An ‘ey still got blizzards in New Englend? Hey, Al over thare in Belle Meade! Cain’tchoo do sumpm ’bout this? You’re ’bout to lose yer Nobel if iss keeps up!

An now it jist gits worser. San Francisco is boycottin’ Arizona. Ooh! Em boys, or whatever, out thare in San Fran are Tu-a-uff! At’ll teach ‘em cream puffs in Arizon t’enforce the law. Mama don’ allow no lawness aroun’ here. Only law less ness. An when ‘em Friskies stop tradin’ with ‘em people down air on the border, thangs’ll about dry up in at desert!

Now less git t’ the good stuff: women oughtta be fattenin’ up theyselves? Don’tchy jist love the way science changes its mind? But that’s good news. I always liked a woman with more’n skin on her bones. Gimme some more’a that baby fat anytime. ‘Member when models use ta smile an look purty? Had some meat on ‘eyre bones? An look at them pitchers of Marilyn Monroe that still go around. She won’t no skinny babe. Now it’s glum an skinny. ‘Ey don’t smile, ‘ey don’t eat. Might be a cheap date, but what’re we datin’ here? a bag a’bones?

I for one am gonna throw out a cheer an a shout fer the new science of women with more meat!

Y’got that didn’ ye?