Hey, maybe Woody Allen is startin’ to git his wish. The one whur he wished Obama could be a dictator fer a few years, so he could git a lot done? Don’t dictators kick a lotta ass? An not necessarily those Woody Allen would approve of? Or maybe Woody is lookin’ fer a job. Now there’s a country we’d all love! Barack Obama as dictator-ass-kicker an Woody Allen as chief ass selector.

Lessee now. Who’d be first? Mia Farrow? After all, she did out him fer child abuse after he had an affair with her daughter. An at experience shore does qualify him as chief selector of asses for Obama. Now that has a kind of a ring to it, don’t it? Asses for Obama? Why, at could be a hoot of a movie title.

Cain’tcha jist see it now? Maybe Woody could git Civil War film expert Ken Burns in on it. After all, ye might need some troops. Not everbody who needs a good ass kickin’ is gonna jist drop by th’White House, fess up an take it like a man. Ey’s cowards an traitors ou’tair. Thair might be somebody with the nerve t’say they don’t deserve it. Might ebm say they changed er sumpm.

Then whut? Well if ‘ey objected mightily, ‘ey might ebm kick back. An at would mean war. Another Obama war. Might ebm be several a’them. An at’d mean troups. Cause nobody defies dictator DaddyO an gits by with it. When he wonts t’kick ass, some ass is gonna git kicked!

At brings up another question. Whut if Chief Selector Woody picks one a’DaddyO’s pals? Like maybe a community organizer. Everbody knows a dictator’d shore need a lotta them. Chicago could be drained. Woody’d be in trouble then. The selector might ebm become the selectee. And the kickee.

But back t’now. Ain’t it kinda like a dictator t’do like DaddyO did when he went down to the bayous an’ talked with folks t’figger out whose ass t’kick? I mean he didn’ say nothin about a court or a judge or a jury. Or ebm a investigator, private or public. Jist him. Obama. He wuz jist wanderin’ around, askin’ his own questions, doin’ his own detective work so HE could decide who gits the kickin’.

Ain’t we all lucky though? Lucky that he cain’t make up his mind quick enough t’ketch a snail, much less a fox. It’s already been over a month, an he still ain’t decided which ass t’kick. Think maybe he’s jist been too close t’too many of’em t’know one when’e sees one?

Like at ole boy Siggy, inventor of the slip, said, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

I could shore figger out why Noah woulda dumped’em overboard. ‘Em boogers musta weighed a ton. They woulda caused a BIG list. Bigger’n ebm Santa could check off once, much less twice. Probly upset Noah’s two goldfish he wuz’a savin’ cause the water in ‘eir bowl woulda been sloshin’ out.

Noah did hafta save the fish, didn he? I mean, otherwise ‘eyd a’had a free pass. An at wouldn’a been fair t’mammals. An at would be the first case a’racial profilin’. Coulda happened. I mean if President Obama an his White House Gang never waste a crisis, I thank we can be shore God don’t.

An, y’see, this very scientific theory would splain why the dinos went extinct. Poof. Noah took care a’that when he pushed’em off his boat. ‘Sides weighin’ too much – an ‘ey probly didn’ pay the overweight surcharge – everbody know’s ‘eyr all roudy an noisy. Y’can tell at frum ever movie ‘ey ever played in. So they ended up as oil!

An the rest is history? Shore is. Everbody knows history is all about wars. An some a’your best wars wuz started over oil. Country A don’t have enough of it, so they go fight with country B so country A can take Country B’s. oil.

Now don’t nobody go substitutin us for country A. America would never do such a thang. Shut yore mouth!

An don’t go questionin’ my science. It makes ever bit as much sense as at theory at claims all at oil we been burnin comes from ground up dinos. Shore woulda had t’be a lot of’em. An shorely they couldn’a been at greasy. Jist country boy thankin.

Like at ole boy Siggy said, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” Sigmund Freud – Psychoanalysis (1910)

Huh? Y’say thair’s jist 1250 troups? Uh-oh. Another committee at work? Oh? Y’say it might not be a whole 1250? The wordin’ is up to 1250? Ain’tat kinda like at ad I saw at said up to $1000 off on at car I wanted? An when I got thair it was jist $50 off but it didn’t include the wheels? Well. ‘ey said… We didn’ say it’d be a thousand fer sure. We said “up to.” Looky here… Says it right here in the ad.

Yeh, but this is differnt. We’re bein’ cooperative. We’re gittin’ together, an at’s whut counts. DaddyO an some senators ‘n such had a meetin’ about illegal immigration. An we all know meetin’s are ever bit as good as committees when it comes to gittin’ thangs done.

An ebm if we sent the whole 1200, at wouldn’t be enough for border runners t’notice, so we wouldn’ make the Mexican president mad, cause he’d know he could still send his fokes over f’jobs an all. Talk about togetherness! We got it both ways. An when y’can do sumpm an not do it at the same time, at’s real togetherness… cooperation… bipartisanship an ALL at stuff. I feel SO satisfied!

An rejoice, fokes. Today’s the day they’re gonna plug at gusher hole in the Gulf an’ stop at nonsense of a leaky oil well. Ain’t no contraption done it yet, but now they’re gittin serious! They’re gonna throw mud at it. Ta-da! Teach at sucker a lesson!

So how d’we know it’s gonna work? At’s easy. Throwin’ mud always works in politics, an at’s the toughest fight in the world. I don’t know why they didn’ thank abou’tat before. Now if ‘ey could send some politicians down t’the bottom a’the Gulf an’ let them sling mud t’their little heart’s content – an’ey are little hearts – at would be perfick.

Come ta think of it, mud works wunders in lotsa places. Women put it on’eir faces, cause it’s spose ta make ugly women look purty. An air’s some of’em back home at could shore stand some purty’in up. Mud’s used t’muddy the water when y’don’t wont people t’understand whut you’re really sayin. It’s purfick in y’coffee cup, specially when it’s been in a real seasoned pot all night. An’ “here’s mud in y’eye” is used a lot t’toast people (now thair’s a line at could stand a little work).

Maybe Siggy could help. After all he did invent the slip. An he did come up with this handy sayin’: “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

Lookitat mess ey’re makin’ worse ever day in at Gulf oil spill. First of all it ain’t hardly a spill. A spill is whutchy got when y’hitchy coffee cup with y’elbow. At thang in the Gulf is a underwater gusher! An who’s tryin’ to fix it? Who’s t’blame fer it happnin? Looks like everbody’s got a CYA story. An a hot shot PR gang t’back it up.

The gummint didn’t regulate enough, at BP outfit didn’t think ahead enough… oh, wait, they hired somebody else to drill it an build it, an’ Hally Burton (scuse me while I look at’n up)… Oh, scuse me agin! Dang! At’s Haliburton, a oil an luggage cumpny. LUGGAGE?! Whut’s at got t’do with oil? Well ‘em boys still cain’t figger out whu’tay wanna be whe’ney grow up. No wunder they got problems!

Anyhow, that whole bunch is jis runnin around flappin’eir jaws while at gusher keeps on gushin an’ everbody keeps on doin’… nuthin. BP keeps comin’ up with cockamamie schemes t’try. TRY?! Ain’tat the same as sayin’ they ain’t got a clue about whut t’do? Wouldn’ y’thank a big cumpny like at would know whut t’do before they ever buil’tat monster?

I mean ‘ey did know where at sucker was gonna be before they started didn’ay? An’ everbody, ebm my dumb cousin Roscoe, knows oil wells blow out sometimes don’tay? Yeh! So much’a the time at they got whole gangs at specialize in stoppin up em thangs. An’eyr ready t’go in a nanosecond. An’ ding dong! Ey gitat thang handled. Ain’t no runnin’ around figgerin’ out whut t’do.

Now it don’t take a good ole boy a New York minute t’figger out they’s sumpm bad wrong with this pitcher.

Them boys HAD to form a committee t’decide that bein’ a mile deep in the water a oil well couldn’t blow out. Nah. At oil’d be afraid a’the water wouldn’t it? Everbody knows oil an water don’t mix. Yehyeh, at’s it! We cain’t not drill iss thang jis cause we don’t know how t’plug it if it blows. At don’t make no sense. So go ‘head boys. Drill at sucker. We’ll jis play like air ain’t nuthin gonna happen. Go ‘head boys, all together now. Less all whistle at tune we learned… “We cain’t be wrong, so it cain’t go wrong.” Thair y’go. Less jis sell oil an’ party.

Now ain’tat jist the pluperfect place to put in at sayin Siggy made up when he wuz inventin’ his famous slip? “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” – Sigmund Freud, Psychoanalysis (1910)

Now is iss whu’tay call spin? Or is it jist throw some mud on it? Accordin’ to the WP, Some dude by the name of Drew Westen – he’s a psychologist and neuroscientist at Emory University in Atlanta. Atlanta?! Didn’ know ‘ey made boys like at in the South! Mus’ be frum somewhur else.

Anyhow, Drew says Democrats should not talk about “the environment,” “the unemployed” or “the uninsured.” Instead, they should replace those phrases with ones that have more appeal to voters, such as “the air we breathe and the water we drink,” “people who’ve lost their jobs” and “people who used to have insurance.”

See? It used t’be we admired fokes who “tell it like it is.” But people like at are gittin’ scarce as hen’s teeth. Now the trick is to tell a lie so it don’t seem like one. An in a way that ye can git out uv it when y’git caught. An’ ‘em people who’re spose t’be fightin’ fer us in Washinton have got that down to a fair thee well. At’s cause the only fightin’ goin’ on up thair is with each other an fer they selves. It’s ‘eir “careers” ey’re worried about. Not us Americans.

Obama’s gon’appoint a Independent panel to investigate the BP gusher – the Gulf oil spill. How many a’them gangs have we had? Now we’ll find out whut’s goin’ on? Like we found out f’sure whut happened in the Kennedy assasination? Shore closed at case, didn’ ‘ey. An the best part is, Daddy-O’ll have somebody else t’blame fer all the nonsense they come up with. Boy’s catchin’ on. Instead of his speeches takin’ the flack, some guys on a panel git in the middle. An git all the blame f’the way thang’s git explained. Clear as mud. Or oil slick in water.

Like at ole boy Siggy said, “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” Sigmund FREUD – Psychoanalysis (1910)

Like I saw this ad on the Internet that said, “The big question: does moral action depend on reasoning? See what the experts say. Click here.” So I did. Here’s what the experts said:

“Not really.” “Yes and no, happily.” “No, it does not!” “It depends.” At wuz jist four uv’m. They wuz a lot more uv’em at went on about the same as them four.

Now ain’tat a real source a’comfort? I mean, here I am thinkin’ I’m dumb as a rock, lookin’ f’answers frum the experts an’ the experts don’t know nuthin’ neither. Ding Dong! At last! I know I’m not alone in the universe. I got smart cumpny!

Then ‘eyr’s another dude. Differnt perch on the Internet. At’s Caleb Sharf. Says he’s the Director of Astrobiology at Columbia University. Now he oughtta know sumpm, right?

Whut he says is we’re all jist smudge. Like we’re made outta black soot. Course he dresses up whut he says an’ makes it sound scientific an’ all, but it means the same thing. He says it like iss:

“When we look out into the universe we find that the chemistry of our life – carbon based molecular structures – is not just occasional, it’s ubiquitous. Carbon is a fabulous player; simple molecules, rings, chains, polymers, sheets, crystals, and great clumps of sooty particles abound.

See? Like I told ye. We’re all smudge. Smudge is jist a sooty particle at’s been worn down. An’ I don’t know bout you, but this speck a’soot is definitely worn down to a smudge with this whole mess. An it’s definitely time t’quit.

Next: if we’re all jist smudge, whut kinda s – - t. is the rest’a the universe made out uv?

Sometimes people wonder why anybody would wanna live on at Gulf Coast. You know, with this oil spill thang, right on top’a them bad hurricanes ‘n stuff. I mea’nem people’s alway’s goin’ through some kinda hell. So why don’t they jist leave, f’cryin out loud!

Bu’tchy can ask ‘em crazy people at live on fault lines in California the same thang. They KNOW they’s gonna be a extry big earth shaker someday. They jist don’t thank it’s gonna happen while ‘eyre still in ‘em parts. Like ‘ey might’uv left hell and gone to heaven? Nah. At ain’t it. They jist don’t thank about it ’til they feel a rumble. Then ‘ey thank about it for about a minute an’ life goes on, crazy as ever.

Y’know whut I thank it is? Besides people jist naturally bein’ crazy? It’s simple. Most people don’t thank it can happen t’them. Nuthin’ bad I mean. An’ ats probly a good thang. Thank about it (and maybe the real word IS thank), they’s bad thangs goin’ on all the time.

People’s killin’ people, diseases are killin’ people, earthquakes ‘n tsunamis, an, yeh, oil spills are happenin’. But people’ve jist gotta be built with a spirit t’survive an’ keep on goin’ …an mosta the time go on havin’ fun. Like in New Orleans. Tough time with at hurricane, but they’re right back at havin’ fun. At’s whut people do. If ‘ey didn’t they wouldn’t be no place in the world anybody could live.

I know. Some people ask where’s God when all ‘ese bad thangs happm. Well, my little mind cain’t figger out the mind of God, but I do wonder whut unintended consequences might happen if he did sumpm like Superman did in the movie. You ‘member? He flew around the earth so fast that it reversed its revolvin’ and everthang went back a day an’ brought somebody who’d got killed back t’life. I imagine if God did sumpm like at, the unintended consequenses could be fierce.

An’ like Einstein said… “Gott würfelt nicht (God does not play dice)” Relativity (1916)

Now c’mon. we cain’t leave it that serious can we? Try this’un:

Talkin’ about bad thangs, my uncle Clarence is a perfect example. He’s been known t’take a extry nip outta the jug now’n then. Didn’t thank he had a problem drivin’ while feelin’ s’good. Thought’e drove better as a matter of fac’. ‘Til one day a pole cat got in the way. Dang! Had t’roll at ol’ rattle trap off in the lake it smelled s’bad. But diddy stop ‘is extry nips? No way. He takes TWO BIG extry ones now. Wonts t’forgit the day he got skunked. Least ‘ats whut ‘e claims.

Today, my boyfriend’s mom decided she wanted to see the crib I have for my daughter. She’s almost a year old and she had never bothered to look at it before. She picked today. The same day my boyfriend picked to accidentally leave our ‘toys’ on top of the dresser. His mom saw them.

Bubba sez, “now thair’s a real American famly fur ye.” I mean, whoever seen such a long link? Girl needs to go back to school. But for God’s sake, girl, find a different one this time! Duh-h.”

Does that leave a perfect opening for the next pitiful piece or what?

“The push to return unemployed workers to the nation’s payrolls is hamstrung by a decades-old legacy of poor schooling that has left tens of millions of Americans without the basic reading or math skills necessary for today’s jobs.”(1)

Now hang on! You mean there’s still people out there who still don’t agree with Al Gore? He with the Nobel? Le’me yell out the window here. He lives right over there in Belle Meade, the second-biggest GOP campaign contributing Zip in America. HEY, AL! WAKE UP. THEY’RE DOWN THERE IN CANCUN MESSIN’ WITH YOUR STUFF AGAIN. Look at this:

As prospects for a binding global climate treaty this year have evaporated, leaders and environmental advocates have focused their efforts on reaching agreement on a few top priorities, including preserving tropical forests and helping developing countries cope with climate change.(2)

Gloriosky, people! They’re thinkin’ DaddyO might spend only 1.3 Trillion more of our money than he takes this year. Shucks. We can handle ‘at paltry sum standin’ on our heads. Look:

“The federal deficit is running significantly lower than it did last year, with the budget gap for the first half of fiscal 2010 down 8 percent over the same period a year ago, senior Obama administration officials said Monday.

“The officials attributed the results to higher tax revenue and to lower spending than projected on bailing out the financial system. If the trend continues for the rest of the year, it would mean the annual deficit would be $1.3 trillion — about $300 billion less than the administration’s projection two months ago for 2010.”(3)

Oh, it’s higher taxes. And spending less than what? Why less than we said we would, of course. We could never really spend less. Thank God for bad estimates. And as long as there are people out there dumb enough to keep rolling over the mortgage on our kids, let’s keep on livin’ high on the hog, people! There’s magic out there that’ll take care of us. Duh-h

Before we go, we have to reassure all kids everywhere that it’s now OK to play with priests again. It’s been widely reported that the big guy at the Vatican has given permission for his people everywhere to call police if your priest tries any funny stuff. There now. Doesn’t that make you feel better?

It’s time for Siggy again: Sigmund FREUD: “…we men… find reality generally quite unsatisfactory” Psychoanalysis (1910)

(1)via Jobless dropouts head back to school for basic skills.

(2)via Climate treaty realities push leaders to trim priority lists.

(3)via Obama team points to smaller deficit numbers.

CRADLE OF HUMANKIND, South Africa — Nine-year-old Matthew Berger dashed after his dog, Tau, into the high grass here one sunny morning, tripped over a log and stumbled onto a major archaeological discovery. Scientists announced Thursday that he had found the bones of a new hominid species that lived almost two million years ago during the fateful, still mysterious period spanning the emergence of the human family.

Dr. Berger’s team said that the new species probably descended from Australopithecus africanus. At a teleconference on Wednesday, he described the species as a possible ancestor of Homo erectus, an immediate predecessor to Homo sapiens, or a close “side branch” that did not lead to modern humans.

“They are a fascinating mosaic of features,” said Rick Potts, director of the Human Origins Program at the Smithsonian. “It reminds us of the combining and recombining of characteristics, the tinkering and experimentation, that go on in evolution.” (1)

Now ain’t that jist as clear as ‘at stream’a water y’git when y’ hose a dirt dobber’s nest off y’porch?

So! By now it should be very clear to anyone who has read even just a few comment threads, whether in a forum or social media website, that by the simple virtue of being an atheist you can claim intellectual superiority. Yes, it is just that simple. (2)

Now to the serious stuff. We have a new nuclear arms treaty? It’s record-breaking, and furthermore, it’s earth-shaking? But hang on: experts say the process for destroying plutonium has not yet started to whittle down the surplus already created by previous agreements.

Y’think we’ll all be required to store some of it in our garages? Bet your garage is already full of stuff. I know mine is. Oh! I know… Let’s have a BIG GARAGE SALE! And include all ‘at plutonium. Play musical garages, like millions already do with garage sales. ‘At’ll gitit handled.

Remember: It ain’t what it seems, and it seems what it ain’t!

(1) via New Hominid Species, Au. Sediba, Discovered in South Africa – NYTimes.com.
(2) via Atheism Makes You Smart! – The Sarcasmist.

First, the so-called experts on both sides are so bent on shooting the other side’s messengers that it’s difficult to wade through the flak and have your senses survive long enough to make out what they’re really saying. Not to mention that whether it’s evolution or intelligent creation is the wrong question. It could be both or neither.

The real question is how all this mess got here, not whether things have changed since nano-second one. And the ‘sperts are far from clear on that little item. From all I read, nobody’s come up with tangible proof on either side. Just “detective work” as both sides have been known to call it.

But consider this: “The Bible tells us that God created Adam and Eve just a few thousand years ago, by some fundamentalist interpretations. Science informs us that this is mere fiction and that man is a few million years old, and that civilization just tens of thousands of years old. Could it be, however, that conventional science is just as mistaken as the Bible stories? There is a great deal of archeological evidence that the history of life on earth might be far different than what current geological and anthropological texts tell us. Consider these astonishing finds:” (1)

Somebody left their grooved spheres in some Precambrian African rock 2.8 billion years ago. And something like ancient phonograph records 10,000 to 12,000 years old have been found in a Chinese cave. The objects have spiral grooves composed of tiny hieroglyphics that tell the incredible story of spaceships from some distant world that crash-landed in the mountains. Huh? They were yackng about UFOs that long ago? Neither side of the E/C debate told me that. Because that would make them both wrong? Come on, balloon buster! Those who speak for science and/or God are never wrong. Are they?

But back to the politicians. They’ve come up with the biggest pack of laws ever to control health-care costs they say, but the cost-control is only theory. Now they’re in their closet coming up with financial controls – as if any of’em can outsmart Wall Street. Meanwhile we have news that Social Security will, for the first time, pay out more than it takes in this year! And there is no trust fund to make up the deficit. What will make it up?

No sweat, bubba. We’ll just borrow a few more bucks from the Chinese. And what they won’t lend us, we’ll print. We got a lotta printing presses. And by the time the American people wake up, we’ll be gone and it’ll be some other politician’s problem. They’ve always swallowed the Social Security myth before…

(1) The 10 Most Puzzling Ancient Artifacts.